On the Road Again!

On the 29th October I collected Stoney from the airport and we tucked into duty free vodka and delicous store bought Kiwi beer. We watched halloween tv while Stoney dozed through his jetlag. We endured some beers and cigars in the hot tub and had a catch, albeit slightly squiffy, jetlag tired one. We watched dark comedy Black Sheep and Seed of Chucky. By this stage I was pretty pissed and Stoney being a big girls claims I broke his nose, I checked and it was fine, the big Jessie. I completely stacked it and face planted into a beanbag chair, which was lucky or otherwise it would be the hard floor. I then managed to watch spooks, Man Utd vs Everton and Arsenal enjoy a thrilling 5-3 win at Chelsea, whilst flicking back and forth between the Man with the Golden Gun and South Park. Intoxicated I stumbled to bed around the 4am mark.

I woke very early and watched some tv, before enjoying a beer and hot tub for lunch. We found out that Quantas had grounded their entire fleet and Penny who I was meant to be picking up at 5am tomorrow was flying with those bastards and had to change his flight to get here. Unfortunately Penny struggled to get a flight as he was pissed and also couldn't comprehend that drinking may ban him from the flight so we had some very un-copus mentus chat while he was drunkenly flailing around Santiago airport. If I turn up tomorrow and he is not there at 5.30am I may murder him! He went offline and I was hoping that's because he was boarding and not being escorted to a holding cell at the airport. Knowing him he'll pull a Savage and be the grounds of the flight being diverted and stopped for an arrest. Now for an afternoon of hot tub, Gavin and Stacey and more vod and beer.

I woke early and with no evidence of Penny arriving except a flight having landed I took off to the airport and circled it waiting for any signs of Bristolian life. I ducked into arrivals where he had just come through due to a mix up with his walking stick. I snoozed on the sofa whilst stoney failed on his beer run! We got the train into Auckland with the idea of crashing there overnight for Halloween shenanigans, Stone got his fix via the Sky City casino and I got wound up that the hostel closed its bar for a staff function.....on halloween and when I complained the dead eyed Dutchman at the counter couldn't have been less helpful so I checked us out on the spot and we got the train back to Mugsys and stayed there again. I just really resented giving that little shit the last of what little money I had left.

The next morning I collected the car and drove us to Raglan, checked into Raglan backpackers which was a massive chill-out place with a hot tub and free or cheap rentals of kayaks or surf boards.We went up to the beach and had a few beers and skim boarded, conditions weren't exactly ideal for surfing which was a shame. There were a few hot girls in the hot tub and I was sharking to get in but when I was waiting Penny jumped in ruining the whole ambience and labelling himself Judas. As a result Stones and I bailed and went to the hotel to watch the Melbourne Cup, just before the start I put a $5 bet on and my horse only went and won, even better the hotel put on a spread for the races. Penny came and met us later and we gave it to him for the hot tub incident but it wasn't long till we calmed down and sank into the rounds of alcohol free flowing. Later I jumped in the hot tub naked for no other reason than there was a sign permitting it. I chilled in a hammock while Penny sharked and Stoney tried really hard to chat up a girl but because he dislikes small talk, stopped her after five minutes to say 'I must tell you that this is really boring to me,' a true Casanova! I called it a night but in the dark knocked over my pot noodle from earlier and decided to clean it up with Pennys pillow, then went to sleep.

We got up and had a quick Kayak before heading off to Hamilton via Bridal Veil Falls.

Hamilton is pretty boring so we grabbed lunch and headed down to Neil and Linda's in Matamata. We went up to the shire so I could show Penny the rolling hills up to the set of the hobbit. We had a good chat and comfy beds to sleep in, a good stop off!

We had a fry up in the morning and Pen drove us to Rotorua. The boys Zorbed, then we went and argued with some Ostriches. We then went on to the Luge which was awesome, basically downhill go-karting track (unmotorised) with poor to piss poor breaks. We had three runs and I successfully passed Penny twice and Stoney once (the other times they started behind me and didn't pass).

We checked into a hostel and chilled out in the polynesian spas, wasn't as good as last time as I was considerably less intoxicated this time. We had bought pizza to cook but the hostel didn't have an oven so we went to dominos to get a pizza fix, it was probably the most disgusting dirty and fly ridden dominos I have ever seen. Penny spazzed out when he was told wifi was a dollar an hour, a free right to travellers in his humble opinion....so we continued to tease him about this. We watched Lord of the Rings 3 then 1 and then hit bed.

I would like to make a comment about Stonelakes eating habits, he can comfortably just eat fruit, crisps and fast food. We went to Taupo and enjoyed Huka Falls before trying the hole in one golf into Lake Taupo, I came close a few times but couldn't hit the green. We visited the bungee and argued about whether or not to do the Tongariro crossing. We tried to cook pizza again but no ovens so we fried them, it wasn't great but was edible. I shaved in my handle bar moustache for Movember and we got on the drinks, which was great until intoxication set in and the Maori bouncer started talking about burgers and I misunderstood go have a burger and sober up for 'get me a burger', so I said no and gave him shit.....then came the threats so I bailed. Stoney had also bailed, he has become a drunken wanderer. Pennys snoring is still an issue with girls in our room trying to roll him to stop....it failed.

The next day the boys bungeed (the same one I did before but can't afford fun like this anymore), followed by the natural springs in the mighty Waikato river. We drove to New Plymouth which had stunning mountains and a beautiful coastline, and in the shadow of stunning Mount Taranaki. We met Keri, Mugsys nephew, who I used to play rugby with. We met him in the Railway pub and Hotel in Inglewood and Keri rocks up t announce his wife just had his first child, what you wanna do tonight? Nothing fazes this guy. He let us stay at his and we had a few beers and I made dinner (beautifully cooked lamb, asparagus and pumpkin) while family came over with congratulations.

Keri hooked us up with a wicked fry up and we headed off to Whanganui via Waihi beach. We had a look around Wangas, had lunch and checked out their famous lift the Durie Hill Elevator.

I was hoping to meet Robbie Powers family but bad timing of running out of credit and then battery so it never happened and we made our way on to Wellington where we had a great beer in the sunshine down the waterfront before staying at Pennys cousin Dougs house. I watched the exorcist and crashed.

In the morning we got the bus to Courtenay Place and got the cable car up to the botanical gardens and I made a huge lunch at the hostel before I came up with a great new game to play in museums, get waisted! So you find quiet places and try and drink....not the most genuis game but great fun! We had another beautiful evening so more drinking down the front, before being robbed in a pub quiz. Got really drunk and met Layla for a cheeky drink then I trashed the hostel room.

The next day I was really hung over so ate loads of subway then decided to drink all the way to Napier. On the way I needed to answer the call of nature so climbed over razor wire drunk and proceeded to piss all over my jeans. Then we met Ben Baty, my old waterskiing buddy in Napier and abused Stonelake till bed, apparently I was incredibly lary but I had a chat with Ben in the morning and he said it was funny.

The next day was a late start but we went down Marine parade down the front of Napier and paddled in the Pacific before I beat Stoney and Pen in two rounds of mini golf. We had steak for dinner and chilled.

The idea of this day was to go on a wine tour but as Stoney and Penny don't like making decisions we sat around till lunch time not making any. I wrote my blog and felt more disinterested with doing anything. Just a morning funk, keen to get out there this alvo. The afternoon went well the boys had a great wine tour and I drove and then Stoney cooked dinner. It was so funny the boys were wasted and gave me a hard time as the sober one which was quite funny.

Stoney bought me a bottle of wine as a thank you which was an unusually classy touch. During the tour my heart sank a little as I noticed some damage to one of the wing mirrors, and as I have a $2000 retainer on my card I had a brief freak out. We watched some more tv and again settled for a relatively early night with the prospect of a big weekend.

I woke with the workers as they prepped breakfast as we had been staying in Bens living room, normally I would sleep through this but felt today I wanted to show that we weren't here on a jolly and could get up at a reasonable time, and yes I know this is going to bite me in the ass at 10pm tonight when I start to lag but solidarity brother come on! In the haze of claiming I was awake and considering dozing.....and possibly dozing, I mapped out the next few days. We went to the vineyards again but this time Penny drove so I got to do the drinking…..I mean tasting. We went to Clearview winery which had sixteen wines for tasting, start as we meant to go on. Inside the guy doing the notes for the tasting was French and as well as knowing his stuff he would finish every note with ‘so when you are a beautiful women and get some scallops/salmon/veal and cut up some shallots and make a creamy sauce this wine is perfect with it’ very funny. We hit a few more where Stoney discovered desert wine and one that we had to pay for so went to the car to collect our wallets before driving off. At the next place there was a lawn along the driveway and I decided to jump out of the moving car and tuck and roll…..twice, I think the wine was now having its desired effect. The next place did sauces as well and offered bread for dipping but when the bread ran out Penny helped himself to a slice from the loaf and promptly got cut off from having bread. We met loads of interesting people who worked at the wineries from the guy from the midlands to a very friendly Asian chick and a gorgeous blonde kiwi, who wanted nothing to do with me as I was slurring outrageously by then. We bought beer and went back to Bens where we marinated on the couch while he cooked us gourmet burgers for dinner. The plan was to go out but by midnight everyone was a bit too soused or tired so we stayed in.

I woke with a bad head and Stoneboner had nicked my covers. Ben cooked omelettes then we walked into town for a subway lunch and walk along the parade. Ben took us to the Filter House which was a cider and beer tasting tray restaurant, with six half pints for $15 and almost all being awesome! We met our hosts for the night and returned to Haverlock North to find the floor and sofas we would be sleeping on, I saw a Greece flag in a house and shouted ‘pay your bills’ Ben thought this was hysterical. We played drinking games and I developed Stoneys porno name, Tad Cut. Mine is Awesome Welles. We went to a pool party with a BBQ but no swimming. Ben showed me how to kickbox by beating me up. I felt ill and mulled around quietly for two hours before getting back in the drinking games and banter. For some reason I have written that Penny and Stoney shagged a three legged cat, don’t know why but I think it may be because Penny had been sleeping with the cat on the sofa the previous nights. Penny got quite drunk….and naked….and I pushed him in the pool, which I think was his ultimate goal. We hit town and had a really good time bar hopping. On the way back Baty was wasted and tried to walk up a small incline on a muddy bank and stacked it getting covered in mud, he then stopped us and pointed out a church telling us we can’t go there anymore. I walked a girl home and by the time I got back Stoney and Pen had taken the sofa bed and all the covers. I walked into a table knocking over a wine glass but somehow in the dark reached out and caught it before it smashed. I nicked one set of covers and then hid stoneys and pens set. I woke up halfway through the night freezing and realised I had been sleeping on the vacuum cleaner. I was annoyed so hid Stoneys shoes….I don’t really know why.

Ben drove us back the next morning and we packed up said our farewells and set off for Mt Manganui. On the way we had to pull over for Stoney as he though he would spew, but it turned out to be a stunning waterfall, he never did spew but felt rough and slept most of the journey, while Penny dozed and I contemplated. We made it to the mount and saw the stunning beach and offshore you could just about make out the stricken Rena, a container ship the drunk Captain had run aground a few weeks ago, that had spilled oil closing the beaches, fortunately it was contained, cleaned and dealt with quickly and efficiently. We went and met my other waterski buddy Jay and chilled with him as the day was pretty much a hung over write off. We watched Cars 2 and Jay stayed at his girlfriend’s meaning I had a bed to sleep in.

I woke after eight great hours of sleep, got up and watched breakfast TV where the presenters were trying to condone the fact that the All Blacks wing Zach Guilford had got drunk and naked and beaten up two people in a bar in the Cook Islands. The phrase he used was ‘Let’s face it we’re a country that drinks’, which is great advice to young misguided souls who if they did it would have been arrested. We climbed Mt Manganui which had some stunning views, Stoney really struggled with the fitness and sulked at the top until some woman took pity on him and offered him water and sweets, the lanky streak of piss. We went for a run on the back and then a swim and some midday skinny dipping, it was so warm on the beach and really pleasant. We drove to Mugsys back in Auckland and had dinner, watched Alpha Dog and had a good night sleep before returning the car and flying to Christchurch.

Where do we go? Where do we go now?

So with the weekend over and the undesirable final of France versus the All Blacks I set about returning to my normal lifestyle, doing sweet FA to save money before the boys arrive. But I'm sure there were a few jaunts left in me, the only question is where do we go now?

The lovely Lisa Mansel was pushing for a trip to Rotorua and I finally obliged and asked the girl from the other night, Sheavaun, if she fancied a jaunt.....she did! I booked everything on the Monday and while I was still in PJ's at midday my host, Nick, decided to put me to work and I spent the rest of the afternoon bleaching and washing the decking on the front balcony and afterward felt I had earned my first beer so far on the trip, which due to the lack of activity felt very good.

I woke up on Tuesday after some fairly vivid gangster dreams and met Shevaun in Auckland for lunch in the Elliot street stables. While waiting for my bus in I got soaked through in one of the random but heavy Auckland showers but the chicken fettucini at De Niros soon cheered me up. Lisa had gone ahead on an earlier bus but Shevaun was working so we caught a later one. I tried the drinking underneath a jacket thing and it was going so well until I got a little bit pissed and dropped the bottle on the floor, it didn't break but loads of people looked, to which I announced loudly nobody saw that, and everyone just looked away, great success! This trip reminds me very much of my 2008 Havoc and Chaos tour of the USA, the idea was to hit the polynesian spas then get intensely drunk and up to whatever mischief we could find. We managed to upgrade our room for free as the one we were put in was already full. We had a few of the cheap beers at the hostel and went to the polynesian spa. It was unbelievably refreshing, hot water mineral baths, loads of French and Japanese but amazing views and I managed to chill out nicely.

After that refreshment we bought a box of wine and went back to the hostel to get squiff on the cheap before heading out to see what the night could bring. We shared our room with an Aussie Army tracker who had some amazing views on left wing backpackers but had a genuinely cool job learning how to hunt and track animals or people in the bush. After getting considerably intoxicated we went to Lava lounge round the corner for more refreshment but the atmosphere was dead so I returned to the hostel. In short I was El Bollocko, ARP serviced and I behaved as badly as I can when Mr Hyde had taken his wonderful elixir. I woke in a highly groggy state and quickly packed up before continuing my Hydesque tendencies on the bus before passing out. I got back to the North Shore and passed out for four hours before a much needed roast dinner with the family, including Katie, Toni and Jasper.

My only concern now was whether or not to fork out a mere $100 to see Wales versus Australia in the 3/4th place play off, I really want to but thats a lot of beer money. I have the promise of champagne from Shevaun if Wales win....and probably anyway if not because in short I have the moves like Jagger (*disclaimer - I am full of shit). So while I was deliberating I got an email from my former employers saying the project that I basically came up with the base idea has received funding and now has a position available paying well FML. My Hawkes Bay trip also got cancelled as my boy Ben was ill, I went shopping and then had sushi before Chardonnay in the sun.

I then received the call granting me a ticket, it was a good day, Gaddafi was dead and I had a Bronze Final ticket. I sat back down to finish off my wine in the hot Auckland sun. I went to the game and we lost, it didn't seem like their hearts were in it.

I went off to a party in Mt Eden and crashed there, was good, plenty of champagne and cider...was most intoxicated!

The next day I left Mt Eden and was supposed to meet my hosts but as there was no response I got in touch with Deano for some shenanigans. We went to the Queens Wharf fan zone and had a beer before trying the kicking game (slotting one this time) and the Heineken drink driving game (I crashed whilst trying to drink whilst driving). We then went off to get cheap beer at a Japanese off license and messed with the guy until he asked us to leave. As Auckland has a liquor ban we couldn't drink on the street so we decided to try and drink in a hostel, fortunately we were next to Nomads hostel so went in and as we weren't guests we sat on the stairs at the top and boozed. A member of staff walked past while in mid chug and we thought we were busted but the lovely Dutch girl covered her eyes and told us she hadn't seen anything, nice one! After the drink we went looking for Leanne, Deanos mate from Kiwi experience, while we were looking Deano spotted this stunning blonde and casually went over and insisted he had met her on the Kiwi experience, she said he couldn't because he had just got off a cruise (her bags had P&O all over them) but he still pushed that she had been on the bus, very funny! We got chatting so we decided that this may be a good meet and greet until Deano tried it on this stunning brunette and scared the poor rabbit away.

We met Leanne and had some more drinks before meeting Deanos other mates, drink was free flowing by now so I dont remember everything but Deano used the gang rape joke while trying to chat up a girl, while my line was 'you have alot of teeth, and a jokerish smile' smooth I know. We met some girls who worked in pharmasuticals, one in botox and during the binge we somehow managed to form a botox for bollocks campaign, don't as me how! I also started telling people I was an underwear model and even managed to convince Deano, but still got the amazing phrase 'no chance in my pants but I like your company' from Leanne. After that bar we went to 1885 an upmarket bar and as it was the night before the final it was rammed out, it was good for a while but I was way too drunk by then. Deano and I went outside, found a police bollard and scrummed down with it, needless to say  we went straight to ground and I hit the floor hard and stayed down until the police showed up. We moved the bollard back and they told us to behave and we asked them to scrummage, they said they would like to but were on duty so couldn't. I said goodbye to Deano and crashed back at Mt Eden again.

I woke feeling rough and got the bus up the North Shore where I wallowed in my own crapulance until the world cup final. Town was already rammed when I left so I decided as there was no way to get back from down town Auckland and as I hadn't changed and was feeling rough faux home was better than staying out. It wasn't the best final but the better team won and hopefully we won't have the twenty-four years of hurt comments any more. Key memorable moments of the final didn't happen during the game, an interviewer called Thierry Dusautoir, Thierry Henry, Richie McCaw saying 'I'm totally shagged' in his post match interview and the embarrassing England 2015 promo. My issue is if Wales made that final I think we would have had a very good shot at winning it. So after seeing 46 out of 48 games, attending 9 the world cup was over and I fell into a great nights sleep.

The next day after Nick calling me a 'little shit' several times, his term of affection, we looked online and found out that Marco Simoncelli of super bike had died, just days after Dan Wheldon died in F1 in Vegas, not a great week for motor sport. I FB chat conferenced with Pen and Stones to organise our New Zealand travels and then got a call from Mugsy offering me work on his dairy farm in Whangarei and then a place to stay over the weekend while he was in Australia including use of a car and hot tub.

We got up at 5am to drive up to the farm, which is the earliest I have gotten up for anything since Cape Cod, what feels like years ago. On the way up Mugsy was pulled over for speeding, we unfortunately were caught during a police sting after the holiday the previous day. To Mugsys suprise he actually had a suspended license as he hadn't reapplied when his previous suspension was over, meaning I had to drive to the farm and I managed to annoy Mugsy by not speeding for fear of a fine that I don't have the means to pay, turned into good banter though. When we got to the farm we milked the cows and then walked the vast expanse of the farm trying to fix fences.

At lunch we got Mugsy his license back and went for a cheeky pint or three before returning to the farm for afternoon milking. I had the unpleasant experience of witnessing Mugsy deliver afterbirth, which although the medical side of it didn't bother me, the smell was outrageously overpowering. Mugsy isn't happy with his helper up there who appears to be lazy, deceitful and actually works against the process, things and livestock go missing and things that are on the to do list don't get done and get forgotten about, I don't know a lot about farms but even I could see this.I got to ride the ATV/Quadbike and got a bollocking off Mugsy as in my attempt to not get told off for driving too fast I drove too slow and off the path.  We stayed with a lovely Maori family in Whangerei and had take away for dinner, with plenty of beer.

We woke again farmer early and heading across misty Whangerei in the pre-sun cold to the farm, where a message from the night before had sunk in. A pipeline had burst in Maui in Taranaki meaning that all milk processing had to be cancelled meaning millions of litres of milk had to be poured away, including all our hard work from the day before. I helped Mugsy jump start a tractor down a hill by scrummaging with it. We then ran tractor errands and did the morning milk (which due to the failure to mend the gas main was poured out again). We also had to put three calfs out of their misery as 'they gave up on life.' I was offered to kill one and as it was a farm I would have if it had been a knife or gun but it was a blunt object to the head, and I didn't fancy doing any bludgeoning that day. We fed the calfs and I had to catch a stray cow that got out of the yard and in between wearing me out in the chase managed to electrocute me as well. We put a calf in the boot for a lady in Waipu to raise and we came back to Auckland. I cooked Nick and Joy a ridiculously hot curry as a thank you and moved my stuff to mugsys to house sit and feed the cats while he was in Australia.

I woke early again to give Mugsy a lift to the airport but he informed me that he was parking at the airport, so I got up for no reason. I gave Deano a lift to the airport and settled in for an evening of Halloween prep tv.

Just going to house sit and enjoy some tv and the hot tub until the boys turn up over the weekend and our party starts for Halloween and rolls into our road trip.