New Zealand: The Beautiful South

We arrived into Christchurch and collected our car then picked up some camping supplies and drove down the beautiful snow-capped mountain range to stunning Lake Tekapo. The idea was for some budget camping, unfortunately this camp had other ideas and was similar price to a hostel just to camp, but after tent and cooking supplies etc we were quite down. On the plus side the facilities were the best I have ever had camping with full spa, kitchen, tv lounge, laundry room etc turns out it’s a ski lodge in the winter. Stoney got his bag off the carousel first and therefore was captain, and dealt out the drinks fines like a short guy with a god complex, over the top and unnecessary. We had dinner and drinks and then played some cards on make shift table and chairs made from chopped wood. We went for a icey cold walk to the pub and somehow managed to commandeer a fork lift. We watched some tv in the car and then had one of the coldest nights sleep I have ever had.

I woke at 6am, very cold and went for a walk with Penny where I saw him perform the most dangerous drunken no sleep shave in the history of man, I left him to it and went for a walk and took some pics of the sun coming up over the mountains before sleeping in the car for another 3 hours and then made breakfast. I spent about twenty minutes feeding the ducks that took the food straight from my hand…it was so fun. We went to see a Salmon Farm but the tour was closed and was quite disappointing. We went and saw Mount Cook, the tallest mountain in New Zealand, and for some reason I had a picture in my pants with Kevin the shark in front of it. Stoney drove and had a high success rate of hitting birds, but all in all did a good job. We stopped in Cromwell to get Wine Tour info but decided to head straight down to Queenstown, as Penny was useless and slept the whole time contributing nothing I decided to swerve so he banged his head against the window, several times. When we arrived the vibe was immediately that of energy, youthfulness and fun. We checked into Base hostel. After freshening up we hit world bar to check it out where we discussed activities to do here. Unfortunately due to money constraints I realised I couldn’t afford to Jet Boat, something I really wanted to do, but gives me a great excuse to return. We played drinking games in Altitude bar, had teapot cocktails with hens at World Bar, then returned to Altitude where Penny met his Peruvian boyfriend and I chatted to a cute Canadian rugby trick to my horror when she started telling me her problems. Stoney kept disappearing for us to find out later that he was at the casino. I got drunk and went to bed, although stoney said we sat in the corridor for a while eating crisps, I have no recollection of this.

Next I woke and Stoney and I went for breakfast but Stones wanted to go via the casino, where I started to raise a concern about his gambling on this trip. Anyway we corrected course and went to a Deli instead for a nice brekkie and coffee. We followed this with a walk along the banks of the lake, I have been flipping off Green Juicy Rental vans for pretty much no reason and there were plenty for me to flip off here. I showered, Stoney went up to the room and watched people sleep and we went to Fergberger for lunch, a Queenstown must. We returned to the casino for Stoneys fix watched him win comprehensively. We had signed up for Amazing Race, a scavenger hunt and as no one turned up we won through default, then we found out there were others and were stripped of our title and made to do it. We needed pictures and items from around town including jumping in the lake, conga line, busking, shadow stalking and getting beaten up by an old person. We came 2^nd but they split the tab anyway. The winners were two cute Irish chicks and an incredibly short Hoosier living in Tampa. I have noted that I must leave Queenstown soon or I won’t at all, it’s a really good laugh here. For the first time ever I saw Stones on the pull and doing well, I was so proud so backed off and let him do his work. Then he disappeared….casino. I later found out that the team that won, one of the Irish chicks was shagging the organiser….it was about as corrupt as Sepp Blatter Bingo, but maybe slightly less racist. Got wasted and went to Sky City Casino where Stoney lost and I won, then went back to the hostel before Gamblor insisted he could recover his losses and we went to Lassetters Casino where we both lost, however I left up overall. Stoney by this stage was quite pissed off and sulked in bed with a big bag of crisps.

In the morning I was rudely awoken by the French tosspots in our room, who had slept all day the day before and we had tiptoed around with the light off, they were loud put the light on for no reason and kept shaking my bed……there is a place in hell for you arseholes. I had breakfast alone and then had a walk with the boys. Later the hostel put on a BBQ and goon for free outside on the lawn so we chilled and chucked around the rugby ball and failed miserably to hackysack but progressed and got slightly better. To describe how much we were drinking, the liquor store attendant knew me by name and gave me a discount card. We followed this with $2.50 handles at Brazz and then bounced around until we got Stoneys fix at the casino. We had a faux stag do for me for no other reason than it would be a laugh….and it was. I was ejected from every bar on the strip at least once but mostly twice. I died my moustache blue, wore fairy wings and drank excessively.

I bothered the reception staff at Base until one, Helen, agreed to go for a lunch time drink with me, Penny joined, CB! I managed to get a locals tab at ‘Surreal’ a quirky bar with a wicked roof terrace. We moved onto Brazz for happy hour again, where Stoney joined us. We went to the casino and I eventually met Helz at World bar for a night cap and then back to hers for a film.

Without having slept I met the boys at 7.45am for our trip to Milford Sound, what they have labelled the longest and most epic ‘walk of shame ever’. I dozed to Milford Sound and then boarded the cruise, where we had a fantastic buffet lunch with everything from Pork Belly to Mussels, by far the best meal I have had in a long time. It was raining heavily which makes Milford Sound stunning with the dramatic waterfalls and cloud formations around the mountains. I had no coat so got soaked but it was worth it, I dozed on the way back in between watching ‘Love, sex and other drugs’ which turned out to be not too bad, especially as Anne Hathaway decided to be clotheless for most of the film. We got in, I showered and went to bed.

I had a long but broken sleep and somehow hurt my back but got up prepared to break out of the Queenstown bubble.. The aim was Wanaka but on arrival it was washed out so we made a judgement call to hit up the Franz Josef Glacier. It was soaking all the way there which made more waterfalls but for unpleasant driving conditions. We stopped at a few waterfalls and on the east coast beaches to enjoy the view but powered on to the Glaciers. We checked into Chateau Franz a chilled hostel with hot tub and small room numbers and finally a place where we can drink inside. We went to Monsoon Bar for happy hour, Penny left early to make dinner, which we missed as we entered a killer tournament. Just before this we met a German couple who seemed quite nice until they asked me what my Uni specialty was and I replied the WW2 bombing of Britain….to which he joked by who? We let it go. He offered to by us drinks which we accepted but then they never materialised, weird Germans making promises they don't keep, I feel like Poland.  We cracked on with Killer pool, which turned out to be 30 people big and filled with arrogant Americans, flukey, but hot chicks and a host that played Cancun rules, if he likes you you can’t lose a life and get rewarded with Booze for no good reason…..he did not like me, and I very much did not like him. After my first with the threat of a thirty minute wait looming I retrieved Penny but on arrival back Michael ‘Sell you out’ Stonelake was saying I had left and I should be scrubbed out…..cheers mate! Needless to say I once again received no shots that were on and although I potted I was swiftly out of the game and pissed off with the host. I threw a hissy, and the bars sign into the bushes and went back to the hostel where I had dinner and watched Legion before bed. I was awake most of the night with Penny and his snoring duo in the room with backup swearing by a pissed off French Chick, so I retreated to the couch in the tv room and slept there.

In the morning I was extremely tired and cold and made breakfast while Penny played laptop and Stoneboner slept. Penny later told me that it was me snoring and the French chick was shouting at me, which is hilarious as I was awake listening to it all and it was Penny and the other guy in the room. We prepped for our Glacier walk and set off. It was a lot different to what I expected walking up a river bed to the glacier with stunning waterfalls everywhere but the Glacier itself was a little disappointing especially as we couldn’t get near it. We got lucky as the weather held off until we got back to the car. We watched Donny Brasco with lunch while Penny showered and shaved (including sculpting his eyebrows and shaving a chunk out of one. We then chilled in the hot tub and picked up beer before what promised to be an interesting evening. After watching the shocking remake of Children of the Corn we went out to Monsoon bar again. In the company of twenty o so nationalities I reflected on missing out on Australia, something that had been masked by my excitement for Asia. Although I will be gutted to not see my Aussie friends I feel I was only going for them, and now that I'm not I feel good that I am finally doing something for myself, something I rarely do as I'm trying to appease the masses. I felt tired after dinner so went to the hostel and watched Tron legacy which accompanied with the Daft Punk soundtrack was enjoyable watch. Then I retired to bed for another night of restless sleep, where the girl who had bitched at people for snoring had night terrors and kept waking up screaming.....and before you ask, I checked Stoney was not accosting her, he was also trying to sleep....in his own bed.

I woke early to the sound of workmen hammering and drilling in our bathroom next door which was ridiculous as we weren't even warned about it. We packed up and left, I drove excessively fast towards Queenstown on half a nights sleep, in heavy rain, not the wisest idea but ah well I made good time. We stopped by a river for lunch, big mistake, our car was populated by with flies. Penny tried to copy my excessive speed on the side of cliffs and with harsh corners. We stopped in Wanaka for pictures and Stoney droves us to Queenstown. On arrival we bumped into Martin the Base promo guy who invited us to a BBQ with free goon and free pool. We moved onto Brazz for happy hour and bumped into Helz and Johnny from Base reception. Four pitchers later swimming we decided to go for Japanese food. On the way Stoney faced his demons and went and blacklisted himself from all New Zealand casinos, but he was waisted and it was quite serious and all he could do was laugh, I was so embarrassed especially as I'm now his sponsor. We met Pen and Helz for Sake Bombs and the most expensive two piece of Japanese food I have ever had ($40 a head split bill, ouch!). The staff from Base took me to Altitude bar and used their staff discounts to get me wasted on Jaeger bombs. Helen took me for a late walk of the botanical gardens and we had some hanky panky on a large boulder in the park. We went back to hers where she promptly fell asleep and I left. In our hostel room I had to evict Stoney from my bed and then failed to sleep due to Pennys snoring and even worse some arsehole kept clapping, whistling or hitting my bunk with a cup when he snored, it was like being in prison, he pissed me off big time and I sat up cracking my knuckles ready to hit him and he stopped. 

After barely sleeping I got up and saw what I thought was his stunning girlfriend get up and strip off to change, dropping down to just a thong, it was so hot! I was going to tell him to see if I could get a reaction, shame it wasn't but great views. When the prick woke up I eyeballed him, hoping he would say something, give me any little excuse to punch him but he didn't. I went for a walk to clear my head and returned to find out that Stoney went to the casino the night he was meant to be blacklisted, and was given his only warning, next time he will get a $5000 fine and spend a night in the cells. We had lunch at Turdburger (Fergburger) and we packed up ready to go, I picked up two new nicknames in Queenstown, Mr Sex and Shagpalace......I'm not sure why I just checked into events under those aliases.  Pen drove us to Dunedin and chilled out when we got in with the simpsons, futurama and family guy. I made dinner and the hot San Diegan in our room informed us that Elton John was playing Dunedin the next night so there was no accommodation, so we had a little dillema but she advised us of a Penguin place to stay at 30mins away....so we thought we would look into it in the morning. I started to feel rough and decided staying up too late wasn't the best idea, and as Penny was not staying in our room I might actually get some sleep. I didn't! I felt rough and combined with the ho We walked for 45mins to ascend the worlds steepest residential street and at first we were all sceptical but when we finally got to the top our scepticism dissipated. We had a pizza and beer lunch to celebrate our most pedestrian of achievements, which included my first actually pint in New Zealand, the rest are a smaller measure known as a handle. We walked through Otago uni campus but in their off season it wasn't as fun but grabbed several beers before prepping back in the hostel for the Speights brewery tour. We arrived early so I Celtic dashed to the nearest pub and sculled a drink before making it back for the tour. The boys dared me to lick items on the tour as we were told we couldn't touch and I obliged. At the end we had a beer 'tasting' session and on hearing the record was 18 beers I rushed to 16, got bloated and the shakes and asked the guide the record for inspiration to crack on, which he told me it was 35....shit! We went for a curry and read that it was BYO, so we picked up some beers only to be told on arrival that it was wine only. We wolfed down the blandest curry ever (apparently they don't do spice in New Zealand) and went back to the hostel for drinking games including drinking blackjack. We headed out to some dead bars, as Elton was hoarding the people of Dunedin and returned to the Octagon where it started to pick up and we got to listen to some live music and hit a club. Stoney lost on the second round of street fighter and spent the rest of the evening sulking. He was so distraught when I called it a night he demanded we leave him....so we did.


After a groggy start to the day we headed off on the peninsula to see the Penguins and Albatross. The peninsula was blustery but stunning. We arrived at the albatross sanctuary where we were told it was free and had several signs around saying free, until we entered and it said there was a charge to see the birds. Apparently the exhibition was free but viewing the birds was expensive, which would have been ok if the exhibition hadn't been less popular than a pig farmer in Palestine. The penguins were never promised for free but I don't see how the government allows these organisations to charge you to see nature as they are wild birds and do not belong to them. We got supplies and lunch and shot on up the coast. Stones claimed that I keep vomming however that has only happened twice in New Zealand, both in Queenstown. While Stoney secretly voms and covers it up with strangers hats. We went off road to find fuel and found a quaint little seaside village that would not have been out of place on Marthas Vineyard. We also found a place called shag point and saw some seals but still no penguins. We quickly viewed the disappointing moaraki boulders and headed on to Omaru, the birthplace of All Blacks captain Richie Mccaw. We were alerted to another penguin colony and suprise suprise they were charging again, I mean when did nature become a tax? We cracked on to the Banks peninsula and after being turned away from the first place we went through Akoroa and up to the Onuka farmstay which turned out to be an awesome hostel. Penny made a curry for dinner and then we watched tv in our caravan.


When we got up I cooked eggs for breakfast and we booked stargazers (tiny huts with glass roofs) for the night. We went to Akoroa for supplies before hitting the beach with some beers. Stoney decided to bury a beer to keep it warm then practically excavated the whole beach to find it again as he refused to mark where it was buried. Pen and I went skinny dipping and then we all went back to the hostel to set up for the next night. I unfortunately found out we had been done for speeding whilst driving on the North Island and therefore have to pay out a fee to the sodding NZ police. I drank away my disdain and helped make dinner with Penny as the Sous Chef. He made a wonderful fajitas mix, a personal favourite and we spent the rest of the evening smoking cigars, drinking and watching tv before retiring to our quarters to stargaze.


I woke with the sun and decided to go and scare Penny by looking through the glass roof as he woke....he shit himself, it was hilarious. I found out the unfortunate news that Gary Speed had hung himself and was stunned. We rushed back and managed to get the car back to the rental place just on time. We stored the bags and took the bus into town to see the damage caused by the recent earthquake. Although it wasn't totalled the city centre was a mess. We lightened the mood with a stroll through the botanical gardens and had lunch in the hot sun before chilling out in a nicely air conditioned shopping centre. I went on a solo mission to view the AMI Stadium where some world cup games were meant to be held and there was a huge crack through and I heard the quake tour the pitch in half. We got the bus back to the airport to begin our twelve hour wait to check in. We played hackysack shirtless on the green outside arrivals until we exhausted ourselves and went in search of where to try and get a bit of kip that night. We nursed cups of tea in a cafe so we could watch the football, including Cardiffs 1-0 win over Nottingham Forrest. We had overpriced airport food for dinner and then food a reasonable place to settle in. Minutes after arriving the bastards evicted us from departures saying that it shut at 9pm and wouldn't be open until 3.30am the folllowing morning, the guard advised us to seek refuge in international arrivals, so we did. Then they tried to herd about fifty people into a tiny corner on the dirty floor as international visitors would not see people sleeping. There were two issues with this:-
1 They put us in the International Arrivals when now one would have known we were in departures
2 They put the people who actually listened to them next to the only exit meaning that the visitors would have to see them sleeping on the floor anyway.
These fuckwits couldn't organise a chil molestation cover up with the pope, another case of management positions being given to by the book beurocrats instead of logical thinking. I was very tired and sassed the bint who was sent to try and move us on and we stayed put. I vented a few times then went on  long walk to calm down. I then hit on the Vodafone promo girl and got swiftly knocked back.I settled in like about twenty others wherever the hell we wanted and got a little bit of sleep.

We woke at 3.45am for check in at 4am but after our tickets failed to print we were told that we would have to wait for the ticket office. I had asked very clearly the day before if we needed a visa and the answer in the group was a profound no, so I didn't chase it. $30 dollars each later and we have our premium visas and were allowed to check in, I swear I haven't seen organisation this bad since the Greek Governments Treasurer allowed his goldfish Terrance to do the countries budget......with an abacus. Anyway heading through departures we were wondering where the next tax would come in, an escalator tax, a breathing levy perhaps? No it was a tax on our time having to fill out an immigration card to leave the country, by this stage I was done with Christchurch and after three months New Zealand as well. I got on the plane and didn't look back.

Please don't let this final tale sour you on New Zealand, if you have good spending money come and visit and you won't be dissapointed! And to all my contacts and friends made.....and lost along the wa,y I couldn't have done it without you!

On the Road Again!

On the 29th October I collected Stoney from the airport and we tucked into duty free vodka and delicous store bought Kiwi beer. We watched halloween tv while Stoney dozed through his jetlag. We endured some beers and cigars in the hot tub and had a catch, albeit slightly squiffy, jetlag tired one. We watched dark comedy Black Sheep and Seed of Chucky. By this stage I was pretty pissed and Stoney being a big girls claims I broke his nose, I checked and it was fine, the big Jessie. I completely stacked it and face planted into a beanbag chair, which was lucky or otherwise it would be the hard floor. I then managed to watch spooks, Man Utd vs Everton and Arsenal enjoy a thrilling 5-3 win at Chelsea, whilst flicking back and forth between the Man with the Golden Gun and South Park. Intoxicated I stumbled to bed around the 4am mark.

I woke very early and watched some tv, before enjoying a beer and hot tub for lunch. We found out that Quantas had grounded their entire fleet and Penny who I was meant to be picking up at 5am tomorrow was flying with those bastards and had to change his flight to get here. Unfortunately Penny struggled to get a flight as he was pissed and also couldn't comprehend that drinking may ban him from the flight so we had some very un-copus mentus chat while he was drunkenly flailing around Santiago airport. If I turn up tomorrow and he is not there at 5.30am I may murder him! He went offline and I was hoping that's because he was boarding and not being escorted to a holding cell at the airport. Knowing him he'll pull a Savage and be the grounds of the flight being diverted and stopped for an arrest. Now for an afternoon of hot tub, Gavin and Stacey and more vod and beer.

I woke early and with no evidence of Penny arriving except a flight having landed I took off to the airport and circled it waiting for any signs of Bristolian life. I ducked into arrivals where he had just come through due to a mix up with his walking stick. I snoozed on the sofa whilst stoney failed on his beer run! We got the train into Auckland with the idea of crashing there overnight for Halloween shenanigans, Stone got his fix via the Sky City casino and I got wound up that the hostel closed its bar for a staff function.....on halloween and when I complained the dead eyed Dutchman at the counter couldn't have been less helpful so I checked us out on the spot and we got the train back to Mugsys and stayed there again. I just really resented giving that little shit the last of what little money I had left.

The next morning I collected the car and drove us to Raglan, checked into Raglan backpackers which was a massive chill-out place with a hot tub and free or cheap rentals of kayaks or surf boards.We went up to the beach and had a few beers and skim boarded, conditions weren't exactly ideal for surfing which was a shame. There were a few hot girls in the hot tub and I was sharking to get in but when I was waiting Penny jumped in ruining the whole ambience and labelling himself Judas. As a result Stones and I bailed and went to the hotel to watch the Melbourne Cup, just before the start I put a $5 bet on and my horse only went and won, even better the hotel put on a spread for the races. Penny came and met us later and we gave it to him for the hot tub incident but it wasn't long till we calmed down and sank into the rounds of alcohol free flowing. Later I jumped in the hot tub naked for no other reason than there was a sign permitting it. I chilled in a hammock while Penny sharked and Stoney tried really hard to chat up a girl but because he dislikes small talk, stopped her after five minutes to say 'I must tell you that this is really boring to me,' a true Casanova! I called it a night but in the dark knocked over my pot noodle from earlier and decided to clean it up with Pennys pillow, then went to sleep.

We got up and had a quick Kayak before heading off to Hamilton via Bridal Veil Falls.

Hamilton is pretty boring so we grabbed lunch and headed down to Neil and Linda's in Matamata. We went up to the shire so I could show Penny the rolling hills up to the set of the hobbit. We had a good chat and comfy beds to sleep in, a good stop off!

We had a fry up in the morning and Pen drove us to Rotorua. The boys Zorbed, then we went and argued with some Ostriches. We then went on to the Luge which was awesome, basically downhill go-karting track (unmotorised) with poor to piss poor breaks. We had three runs and I successfully passed Penny twice and Stoney once (the other times they started behind me and didn't pass).

We checked into a hostel and chilled out in the polynesian spas, wasn't as good as last time as I was considerably less intoxicated this time. We had bought pizza to cook but the hostel didn't have an oven so we went to dominos to get a pizza fix, it was probably the most disgusting dirty and fly ridden dominos I have ever seen. Penny spazzed out when he was told wifi was a dollar an hour, a free right to travellers in his humble opinion....so we continued to tease him about this. We watched Lord of the Rings 3 then 1 and then hit bed.

I would like to make a comment about Stonelakes eating habits, he can comfortably just eat fruit, crisps and fast food. We went to Taupo and enjoyed Huka Falls before trying the hole in one golf into Lake Taupo, I came close a few times but couldn't hit the green. We visited the bungee and argued about whether or not to do the Tongariro crossing. We tried to cook pizza again but no ovens so we fried them, it wasn't great but was edible. I shaved in my handle bar moustache for Movember and we got on the drinks, which was great until intoxication set in and the Maori bouncer started talking about burgers and I misunderstood go have a burger and sober up for 'get me a burger', so I said no and gave him shit.....then came the threats so I bailed. Stoney had also bailed, he has become a drunken wanderer. Pennys snoring is still an issue with girls in our room trying to roll him to stop....it failed.

The next day the boys bungeed (the same one I did before but can't afford fun like this anymore), followed by the natural springs in the mighty Waikato river. We drove to New Plymouth which had stunning mountains and a beautiful coastline, and in the shadow of stunning Mount Taranaki. We met Keri, Mugsys nephew, who I used to play rugby with. We met him in the Railway pub and Hotel in Inglewood and Keri rocks up t announce his wife just had his first child, what you wanna do tonight? Nothing fazes this guy. He let us stay at his and we had a few beers and I made dinner (beautifully cooked lamb, asparagus and pumpkin) while family came over with congratulations.

Keri hooked us up with a wicked fry up and we headed off to Whanganui via Waihi beach. We had a look around Wangas, had lunch and checked out their famous lift the Durie Hill Elevator.

I was hoping to meet Robbie Powers family but bad timing of running out of credit and then battery so it never happened and we made our way on to Wellington where we had a great beer in the sunshine down the waterfront before staying at Pennys cousin Dougs house. I watched the exorcist and crashed.

In the morning we got the bus to Courtenay Place and got the cable car up to the botanical gardens and I made a huge lunch at the hostel before I came up with a great new game to play in museums, get waisted! So you find quiet places and try and drink....not the most genuis game but great fun! We had another beautiful evening so more drinking down the front, before being robbed in a pub quiz. Got really drunk and met Layla for a cheeky drink then I trashed the hostel room.

The next day I was really hung over so ate loads of subway then decided to drink all the way to Napier. On the way I needed to answer the call of nature so climbed over razor wire drunk and proceeded to piss all over my jeans. Then we met Ben Baty, my old waterskiing buddy in Napier and abused Stonelake till bed, apparently I was incredibly lary but I had a chat with Ben in the morning and he said it was funny.

The next day was a late start but we went down Marine parade down the front of Napier and paddled in the Pacific before I beat Stoney and Pen in two rounds of mini golf. We had steak for dinner and chilled.

The idea of this day was to go on a wine tour but as Stoney and Penny don't like making decisions we sat around till lunch time not making any. I wrote my blog and felt more disinterested with doing anything. Just a morning funk, keen to get out there this alvo. The afternoon went well the boys had a great wine tour and I drove and then Stoney cooked dinner. It was so funny the boys were wasted and gave me a hard time as the sober one which was quite funny.

Stoney bought me a bottle of wine as a thank you which was an unusually classy touch. During the tour my heart sank a little as I noticed some damage to one of the wing mirrors, and as I have a $2000 retainer on my card I had a brief freak out. We watched some more tv and again settled for a relatively early night with the prospect of a big weekend.

I woke with the workers as they prepped breakfast as we had been staying in Bens living room, normally I would sleep through this but felt today I wanted to show that we weren't here on a jolly and could get up at a reasonable time, and yes I know this is going to bite me in the ass at 10pm tonight when I start to lag but solidarity brother come on! In the haze of claiming I was awake and considering dozing.....and possibly dozing, I mapped out the next few days. We went to the vineyards again but this time Penny drove so I got to do the drinking…..I mean tasting. We went to Clearview winery which had sixteen wines for tasting, start as we meant to go on. Inside the guy doing the notes for the tasting was French and as well as knowing his stuff he would finish every note with ‘so when you are a beautiful women and get some scallops/salmon/veal and cut up some shallots and make a creamy sauce this wine is perfect with it’ very funny. We hit a few more where Stoney discovered desert wine and one that we had to pay for so went to the car to collect our wallets before driving off. At the next place there was a lawn along the driveway and I decided to jump out of the moving car and tuck and roll…..twice, I think the wine was now having its desired effect. The next place did sauces as well and offered bread for dipping but when the bread ran out Penny helped himself to a slice from the loaf and promptly got cut off from having bread. We met loads of interesting people who worked at the wineries from the guy from the midlands to a very friendly Asian chick and a gorgeous blonde kiwi, who wanted nothing to do with me as I was slurring outrageously by then. We bought beer and went back to Bens where we marinated on the couch while he cooked us gourmet burgers for dinner. The plan was to go out but by midnight everyone was a bit too soused or tired so we stayed in.

I woke with a bad head and Stoneboner had nicked my covers. Ben cooked omelettes then we walked into town for a subway lunch and walk along the parade. Ben took us to the Filter House which was a cider and beer tasting tray restaurant, with six half pints for $15 and almost all being awesome! We met our hosts for the night and returned to Haverlock North to find the floor and sofas we would be sleeping on, I saw a Greece flag in a house and shouted ‘pay your bills’ Ben thought this was hysterical. We played drinking games and I developed Stoneys porno name, Tad Cut. Mine is Awesome Welles. We went to a pool party with a BBQ but no swimming. Ben showed me how to kickbox by beating me up. I felt ill and mulled around quietly for two hours before getting back in the drinking games and banter. For some reason I have written that Penny and Stoney shagged a three legged cat, don’t know why but I think it may be because Penny had been sleeping with the cat on the sofa the previous nights. Penny got quite drunk….and naked….and I pushed him in the pool, which I think was his ultimate goal. We hit town and had a really good time bar hopping. On the way back Baty was wasted and tried to walk up a small incline on a muddy bank and stacked it getting covered in mud, he then stopped us and pointed out a church telling us we can’t go there anymore. I walked a girl home and by the time I got back Stoney and Pen had taken the sofa bed and all the covers. I walked into a table knocking over a wine glass but somehow in the dark reached out and caught it before it smashed. I nicked one set of covers and then hid stoneys and pens set. I woke up halfway through the night freezing and realised I had been sleeping on the vacuum cleaner. I was annoyed so hid Stoneys shoes….I don’t really know why.

Ben drove us back the next morning and we packed up said our farewells and set off for Mt Manganui. On the way we had to pull over for Stoney as he though he would spew, but it turned out to be a stunning waterfall, he never did spew but felt rough and slept most of the journey, while Penny dozed and I contemplated. We made it to the mount and saw the stunning beach and offshore you could just about make out the stricken Rena, a container ship the drunk Captain had run aground a few weeks ago, that had spilled oil closing the beaches, fortunately it was contained, cleaned and dealt with quickly and efficiently. We went and met my other waterski buddy Jay and chilled with him as the day was pretty much a hung over write off. We watched Cars 2 and Jay stayed at his girlfriend’s meaning I had a bed to sleep in.

I woke after eight great hours of sleep, got up and watched breakfast TV where the presenters were trying to condone the fact that the All Blacks wing Zach Guilford had got drunk and naked and beaten up two people in a bar in the Cook Islands. The phrase he used was ‘Let’s face it we’re a country that drinks’, which is great advice to young misguided souls who if they did it would have been arrested. We climbed Mt Manganui which had some stunning views, Stoney really struggled with the fitness and sulked at the top until some woman took pity on him and offered him water and sweets, the lanky streak of piss. We went for a run on the back and then a swim and some midday skinny dipping, it was so warm on the beach and really pleasant. We drove to Mugsys back in Auckland and had dinner, watched Alpha Dog and had a good night sleep before returning the car and flying to Christchurch.