Wednesday 28 September 2011

A Salty Week in Wellington....again!

I decided instead of much needed rest I would join my boy James Saltzman and his gorgeous girlfriend Layla for a week of carnage in Petone, just outside of Wellington. I left Matamata early and headed up to Auckland for my flight to Wellington. As I have previously mentioned domestic departures at Auckland are about as fun as Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg on valium, so I went for a walk instead of crossing over. I managed to end up in arrivals where there was a lot of commotion going on. I soon saw why, All black stars Sonny Bill Williams, his entourage, and Keven Mealamu had just arrived and were passing through the lobby. Sonny Bill is a tall, surprisingly lean and unsurprisingly self centred and miserable bastard. I smiled and said hello and without breaking stride he gave me the briefest look and the slightest of nods acknowledging my existence, bollocks to asking for a photo, he may have stabbed me. Salty picked me up at the airport and to the Firemans Inn in Petone for dinner. We moved onto Petone rugby club for the Tonga vs Japan where they had turned the indoor training centre into a World Cup room with a 7m by 4m screen. We met Layla and discussed current affairs and who to throw in front of the ‘Gilltrain’. I crashed at James’ friend Bex’s place and we had an awesome chat about music and a refreshing chat about the All Blacks before I retired to the sofa for sleep.

I woke early when Bex’s mate Avannah arrived and I dozed for about an hour until the girls disappeared to purchase breakfast materials. I was pleasantly surprised by the amazing kiwi hospitality when the girls returned and cooked me a full fry up as a welcome which set me up so well for the day. Bex also managed to get me a ticket for Australia vs USA for $20 which was ace. Salty was having a date day with Layla so after turning down walking the 9km into Wellington from Petone I caught the bus and revisited the Te Papa museum for a much more enjoyable experience before people watching on the harbour. I was filled with a great amount of optimism from a reasonable night’s sleep, a good feed, the opportunity to do anything I wanted in a city that has fast become a personal favourite of mine. From this basis I had a positive consideration about my future, especially my career, a topic that I have grown anxious, frustrated and tired of investing time and energy thinking about in the past. I am finally glad that I still have so many options open to me and I could still really do anything. I then took the cable car up to the botanical gardens and was amazed at how stunning they were and how they just broke through the city with great views.



I returned to Petone and admired the view before vegging on the sofa for the evening.

Friday 23rd Sept was USA game day. I got up early and enjoyed a beautiful morning in Petone overlooking at Wellington across the bay.

I went to the store and bought some match day beers. On the way back I thought of how stunning this place is but like San Fran lying on a fault line all of this would end. I relaxed in preparation for shenanigans. I caught a great kiwi interview with Alice Cooper where he said that Alice was a character and bringing that act off stage is what killed James Morrison, Janis Joplin and Jimmy Hendrix. And also stress would kill you quicker than drugs, if there is something you can’t control accept it and move on. As the fridge was full I drank the stray beer that didn’t fit and met James at the Firemans Arms (the name changes almost every time because I am normally pissed when I go there and don’t really know what it’s called). We followed that with a trip to Murphys, where Layla works and James had a meeting about a possible future tattoo. I ate outside in the glorious sunshine, enjoyed a few more beers and a great convo with James and Layla before returning to their abode with the promise of wine, Jack Daniels or beer.

The next day I woke up on a sofa in a foreign room and realised a mattress was next to me. I realised I was in Laylas sisters house, where James and Layla were staying and I had visited the previous afternoon before the blur. I then decided to piece together the last 24 hours after the wine, JD and beer from my photos and Saltys testimony, so here is my attempt. We walked from Laylas sisters to Bexs for pre drinks and cider confessions where I found out a couple I knew from Petone had got married on the Romeo and Juliette.

We then hit Murphy’s caped up in our Captain America gear for a very spirited bus ride where I was on my worst behaviour and gave the only Aussie on the bus a hard time.

When we got to the stadium we waited outside for James’ ticket to arrive but as it never came I managed to hitchhike him in. I stood in the pathway up to the stadium shouting we have no money anyone want to give us a ticket for fifteen minutes and eventually someone did. I immediately alienated everyone around us from the Saffer infront I blamed for Wales losing to the huge Aussie supporting Samoan behind us I kept trying to rugby tackle (by this stage we were very intoxicated and also snuck JD in to keep the party rolling). There was also an American family behind the Samoan with so many flags I insisted I had to have one, planted it in the saffers hat and then started ripping on the American for looking like Lyndon B Johnson. I kept myself well watered and thoroughly entertained. Wayne Barnes was running the line and I tried once again to give him some stick.

After the game and outside the ground an over enthused USA fan tried to give me an overzealous American hug and accidently smacked me in the mouth. I woke with a sore tongue and remember spitting quite a lot of blood at the time. Shortly after when the booze really dug in I went quiet as I do when I get to that stage, James noticed and literally forced two large red bulls down my throat. We went boozing with Saltys mate LT and hit a brief pub crawl ending at Molly Malone where somehow I didn’t get arrested, beaten up or ejected by the big Maori bouncer for repeatedly trying to high jump the smokers fence from the inside out......he truly did not care for this. I caught a bus back to Petone with James but in our boozey situation we thought we had missed our stop and ended up in Eastbourne, a not so nice burb. When we finally realised we were where we needed to be we went back to Murphys where Layla was working.

Apparently after last orders we continued to beg for booze and watch a guy who was completely tripping on e. Unfortunately I got locked out of Bex’s house and scaled the fence to try the backdoor but lost my balance and stacked it. I then found the garden door unlocked so my pain was completely unnecessary, the backdoor was locked so I called James and Layla came and collected me. I met Laylas mum completely bollocksed and told her several times what great daughters she has before passing out. After piecing the day together we went for breakfast (although it was 1pm) in lower hut and I spent the rest of the afternoon incapacitated on Bex’s sofa. Hung-over I started thinking and ‘secret smile’ by semisonic got stuck in my head. It made me think of the little things that you share with people, a secret smile, a look, a phrase etc. I immediately thought how unique these moments are and how special and almost intimate they can be, whether it’s one off or long term these are the moments that make relationships and friendships. It made me think of a few of my favourite ‘secret smiles’ a cheeky look by my ex Fran, a smile from a family member, Arp and the story behind it with Mr Alcock and the boys, and of course ‘where are my keys’ ‘who’s in the Jacuzzi?’ ’why is the kettle on?’ I met James at the Firemans before cidering up and watching the All Blacks beat France and Petone rugby club. We followed this by hitting our friend Pips party for her sons first birthday at Murphys which was fuelled addled.

It was excellent as almost everyone I had met from my visit two years before was there and we had a good catch up. The piss flowed and the banter was great. I returned back to Bex’s (I had imperialistically been calling it mine) and caught Thunderball, before falling into the most wonderful sleep only to be woken peacefully by the rain.

The clocks went forward so I woke in early afternoon. I watched Home and Away followed by Knightrider fill out the thinnest and flimsiest of plots with ‘feel good’ themes. Today was always going to be a quiet one all about rugby. After my reaction a few weeks ago my hands were a mess with the skin coming off and hands being uber sensitive....not pleasant at all. I grabbed lunch at Murphys and Layla properly took care of me with her discount and a few cheeky add ons I hadn’t ordered but really appreciated, they’re both good people. It was a nice lunch, after which James and Layla wanted some couple time, which was fair enough as James was leaving in a few days.  I caught Samoa vs Fiji at the rugby club and Ireland vs Russia at the Firemans. I met James later at Murphys and watched Scotland show why they are now probably the weakest team in the six nations as they have all but bowed out of the cup to Argentina. I returned back to Bex’s and watched Alexander and The Reaping proving to be two quite poor films trying way too hard with a weak story and focusing more on storytelling method ending with high budget films being rubbish indie films. I then bailed on consciousness.

After a cold, poor night’s sleep I set off in the beautiful sunshine on Petone’s shoreline to run some errands. After a lackluster internet trip to the library I returned to Bex’s, gave her a bottle of wine as a thank you for my keep. James and Layla returned for James to get a Maori calf tattoo done. It was a long arduous task but came out looking awesome. As the work was being done the rest of us drank and watched on and had some very interesting conversations. Layla baited James by saying she wouldn’t take his surname. James, in pain, stayed quiet so Layla and I discussed possible investments before she told me the longest and most honest relationship she had ever had was with......gin! Layla continued to bait James by suggesting they should get a cat, baby or donkey and suggesting James’ pain was nothing like Eminems. In discussion Dan, the tattoo artist, said last week he tattooed some guys wang with welcome aboard....painful but hilarious. When we were done we had dinner at Murphy’s, an excellent lamb shank, and I watched Wales trash Namibia.

I struggled to sleep again so I got up early, packed and waited for my ride to the airport.

On the way I had to ask the occupation of my landlord as I couldn’t put my finger on it. Let’s just say we came to the conclusion it was quite erocative (made this word up, if you want to know what it means contact me). I said my farewells to James and Layla and settled into my day of travel to end my mini adventure. I want to rant about the bitch who stole my specifically selected seat on the flight but words would be wasted....but she was a bitch bitch bitch. I visited the fanzone in Auckland had a couple of beers at the hot tub bar I had stripped off in a few weeks before.

I asked for an offer that wasn’t on and they guy said are you from Auckland, I said no so he said what offer do you want, so I named it. When I got on the bus to get down to Matamata someone was looking out for me as I got a seat that had a great view of this gorgeous Blonde German girl and her low cut top via the drivers rear view mirror. On the ride back a Porsche tried to overtake on a bend at about 120kmph and spun out into oncoming traffic missing a head on collision by maybe two feet, exciting and terrifying at the same time. I got back in late and was collected by Neil and had the greatest comfort of all, roast dinner. Although I missed out on seeing hazel or spending much time in Wellington due to my insufficient funds it proved to be a great mini adventure.

Rugby World Cup Team Break Downs

I thought with the spirit of the world cup in full flow I would write a brief breakdown of the teams and or their styles.

This is just a bit of fun please message me if you have any suggestions or email joshalcock@jalcock.com if you have any complaints.



England - Leave your imaginations at home England are playing
Wales - Just enough education to perform, a heartbreaking team to support
Scotland - How have they never been invaded?
Ireland - Luck and Heart of the Irish (written after the Aussie game)
France - Never know what you'll get, will they fight or run away?
Italy - Sergio and Castro leading the revolution, the new Scotland?
New Zealand - The Mighty All Chokers? (hopefully not)
Australia - One man bands, wheres wallaby wannabes, screw you Quade Cooper
South Africa - Effective Batman goons run by the Joker
Argentina - As frustrating as the Falklands, a pain to play and definately not a joy to watch.

Monday 19 September 2011

Two Cities, Three RWC Games a bottle of Jack and a hot tub!

And it goes like this...

After a few days rest and relaxation at the Brown household, some excellent stories about the antics of my old man in his heyday, including pictures and THAT video from the 2005 Lions tour of New Zealand and me developing a new recipe for ginger chicken, I was prepped for some more rugby action. Neils son Gareth and his mate Jason picked me up around 3pm and we got ready for a long night in Hamilton for the New Zealand Vs Japan match. We parked our stuff at Hamish’s house and marched in on a pub crawl that included Keystone and the Quadrant, where we met Neil and Linda and Gareth’s cousin Rhys who used to play rugby in the Crawshays with my brother Nick. We watched the All Blacks game, and predictably it was a demolition, and soon after we joined the boys in several drinking establishments.



Not soon after I started to lag and decided to walk home, incredibly pissed, and only having seen Hamilton for about 45mins before it got dark. Amazingly I put my homing beacon on and managed to get back to Hamish’s via Mcdonalds and break into his house. This earned me the reputation as the golden lion (probably based on the hair). I passed out around 3.30am and heard the boys get in around 4.30am.

We woke to a tremendous story of confusion. Although all the boys had crashed in the same bedroom Jason had somehow woken up stark bullock naked in the living room and was so disorientated he didn’t know where he was and started opening doors and going into rooms, starkers. He went into our hosts housemates room before finding ours and re-clothing, total hilarity. I was charged with making breakfast and whipped up a good feed before we started thinking about setting off to Auckland. Hamish, a resident of Hamilton and ‘expert’ on roads to Auckland, kept giving us timings that were just so inaccurate it became a running joke ‘fifteen minutes or less’. We got to the apartment Jason and Gareth had rented and got a cab over to the Kingslander, right next to Eden park and drank our way through the first two games, I lagged but alcohol soon cleared that up. I met Chris from Fiji and we had a few cheekys before I set off with Hamish to the game.

We were luckily under cover as the rain came down hard especially in the second half. Ireland came out with a great game plan patience and heart to turn the world cup on its head and banish Australia to the runner up spot and a quarter final with South Africa. We sat next to Graham, a welsh fan from Llandudno who was about as die hard rugby fan as you’ll get, and generous with the beers.

After the game we all met (except Gareth, who went missing) and got the free train into central Auckland, which went off in a Sea of Irish triumph. We tried the Munster and Father Teds, Irish bars that we ridiculously rammed out. We ended up in bar one which was cheap, on the street so got a great atmosphere and for me superb as it had a hot tub.




So of course I got in. We hit BK and watched Jason almost get run over trying to get us a taxi back, where an Aussie fan was talking shit about getting mugged by cops. Of course we all laughed at him, to which he replied ‘wait till you come to Australia’ and Gareth replied ‘I’m not going to its shit’. Shenanigans over I crashed on the floor.

We had breakfast just out of town and then headed via the back roads to Hamilton for the game. I managed to see my old rugby coach Mugsy and his wife before heading to the ground to watch the game in a corporate box. I was gutted as I didn’t get to see Ieuan Morecraft, Rob Pierce and a few other of the boys, but did catch up with Adan dressed as a whale after the match. Being a Wales fan is tough and the game threw out all emotions and tension I could handle.



 It was a rough start but all in all we got the win we needed so I celebrated with the Browns in a casino sports bar before a sleepy drive back to Matamata and much deserved sleep.

Thursday 15 September 2011

Rugby World Cup 2011 in New Zealand; First Stop Wellington!

The flight to Auckland was reasonable and I managed to make my connection albeit (my favourite word) sitting in Auckland domestic departures that was about as exciting as an aids testing clinic and as no frills as ryanair when they decided engines were too expensive and reverted back to pedal power. I sat next to an ex-player on the flight of the golden generation and for the life of me can't remember who it was(* After Wales won the grand slam in 2012 the same player was on the Scrum V special celebrating the win, and it turned out to be Phil Bennett). I bought a phone and visited the Welsh Dragon, a welsh bar that had been converted from a public toilet. I hit my hostel bar but as it was a cockfest and blowing a cold gale outside I called it an early one and tried to get some much needed sleep. The only thing between me and sleep was the police sirens, wind rattled windows and the Korean kid in the corner watching soft core porn with no headphones in. To my utter dismay more Koreans filtered into the room and although I was clearly trying to sleep, they talked loudly on the phone, used a hairdryer, although there are extensions for that in the bathroom, and kept making those jokes to which they have a long high pitched laugh, it was ok if they were staying tomorrow, on opening ceremony night, i was going to repay the favour (unfortunately they bailed the next day).

I woke after a thirteen hour sleep to the first day of the rugby world cup and the reason for my overall trip. I went to the Te Papa museum, too early so went to collect my Wales Vs South Africa tickets at the stadium, wrong place. By this stage I was getting frustrated and when I retried the Te Pap I was too pissed off to stay and eventually found my tickets at an art exhibit of all places. I then bought a camera to replace mine that broke on day two of Fiji and went people watching. I tried to formulate a plot before I end up in jail or shot, success is my only MF’ing option, failures not.......to get out of Wellington on Monday but bit the bullet after trying to be clever and booked a twelve hour bus to matamata. I had a few pitchers with some Saffers in the basement bar where I heard the phrase ‘sneak a sunrise past a rooster’. I then went down to Wellington harbour to the fan zone and watched the opening ceremony. I also saw a woman with a Wales hat doing some filming so went over and turns out she was on S4C and tried to interview me, I gave a terrible interview in broken drunk welsh and then hit on her, but she was having none of it. I met Adan, a team mate from home and watched the first half of the rugby in the cold before heading with the boys to the warmth of a bar for the second half.

We met some Kiwi girls and after dancing with them for a while the boys bailed and I ended up going bar hopping for a few hours and I ended up going home with Hazel, a student from Hawkes Bay.


My main aim of the morning was to keep the walk of shame as interact less as possible but I was about as subtle as a member of the G8 riot police. I immediately bumped into a housemate, said my good mornings and ducked out for the comfort of my own bed. I spent the afternoon in various drinking establishments watching the underdogs come so close. Romania with a bit more game knowledge would have beaten Scotland, Namibia put on a spirited display against Fiji, Japan held France for so long and the England game was a boring waste of time. I however took Hazel out to watch the game and have some food and then we went for a drink and subsequently back to hers.

Sunday 11th September 2011; Match day!  A years’ worth of planning, trekking mountains, crossing oceans and pissing off locals has brought me to this the 2011 rugby world cup for Wales versus South Africa in Wellington, the big one. I spent the morning packing for my 8am, twelve hour bus the next day as I was sure I would be in no state to do this after the rugby or in the morning. I then spent the rest of the morning getting pumped on the build up, great rugby speeches on youtube and left at lunch actually believing we could win.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6xLYt265ZM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRgeIhaFi44

It was a mild and drizzly day in Wellington and I popped into the Welsh Dragon for a cheeky pint.

I feel that being Welsh is a state of mind as well as an identity;
We dare to dream where others subdue themselves with doubt.
We dare to believe when all hope seems lost
And we dare to come together to back our fifteen men in red take on any force large or small, with the pride and passion of our nation.
We dare!

I went with Dara and Colin, two Irish lads I had acquired, to Molly Malones for food and met Paramedic Steve to watch Ireland put on a poor display and win against a very spirited USA team. We made the walk to the stadium and parted farewell with Steve as neither of us intended to go out for more than a pint after and it would be pretty difficult to find each other as Steve was phoneless. The game, as I’m sure you know, turned out to be a classic combining good running rugby through Jamie Roberts and Toby Faletau, through great line out play by (can’t believe I’m saying this) Luke Charteris to a solid defence (in most part) with key big hitters being Sam Warburton and Dan Lydiate. Wales will regret missing some chances including Priestlands attempted drop goal 15 yards out in front of the posts and some other handling errors with the try line in sight. And if Wayne ‘dickhead’ Barnes had gone to the TMO over Hooks second penalty it might have given Wales a cushion when they were 16-10 up but it wasn’t to be, and in that case I wouldn’t be writing this I would have drunk myself into the obituaries in celebration.


 I sat a block over from Nick, the Saffer I had met in Fiji and we went on a good bantered pub crawl with Caz, whom I also met in Fiji, Caz’s brother and some of their friends.

In Molly Malones, we discovered how drunk Nick was, as he ordered five plates of chips and as there was nowhere to sit filled up the bar with the most welcome snack.

We moved on to Mish Mash and after a couple of beers were joined by Jamie Roberts, Bradley Davies, Mike Philips, Powelly and Priestland. On dropping my brother’s name to Bradley (who roomed with him in the Wales U-19’s in Italy) I initiated convo and got into their group. I also ended up in several group photos with the boys as Jamie insisted I be in the photo as Nick’s brother.

Jamie sent my dad his best (as always) and we had a chat about the controversy of the penalty ‘miss’. Jamie told me that the match ref Wayne Barnes was there and I caught him up to chat about the incident. I asked Mr Barnes, who insisted I call him Wayne (twat), what he thought and he blamed the kiwi linesman and sent me over for a chat.

Managed to get a picture with dickhead Barnes before baiting him to breaking point
After a quick chat with the lino and TMO over a pint we agreed three things:-
1 Wayne Barnes swears alot
2 I swear more
3 Wayne Barnes is a dickhead and got it wrong

I pulled all my saffer mates over and insisted on introducing them and that they should be friends as he had gifted them the game. I then got some welsh fans also to try and taunt him but as Dickhead Barnes was surprisingly charming they surcame to him and bought him shots. To which I decided I needed to go into overdrive until I managed to get the scourge of world rugby, senior dickhead to ask the bar staff to have me ejected. Great success and time to call it a night.

I woke to the same to the same world, we didn’t change anything, the sun still rose, the wind still blew and the birds still sang. What we did is show world rugby that we will fight for every inch. It was a wet walk to the bus stop and I slept most of the way to Hamilton, and with the exception of a Maori argument in the bus stop it was massively uneventful. I got to Matamata and had a chat over dinner with superb hosts, Neil and Linda Brown, old family friends. I also found out on twitter that Jamie endorsed my Wayne Barnes antics before crashing for the night.

The Traveller

Fiji has really identified the traveller in its general form and types:-

The Dreamer - There for the experience, the culture and to live
The Animals - To meet people and party
The Snobs - Think theyre travellers but don't go anywhere without a case full of shoes, the blackberry and an array of ammenities that make life easier (also know as the faux traveller or holidayer)
The Romantic - Can be solo or a couple looking to admire true beauty and maybe find or share love
The Thinker - Getting away for clarity, contemplation or redemption
The 'Stonelake' - The sleeper, to catch up on rest and or relax
The Soul Searcher - Looking for something but not quite sure what it is or what you want
The Independent - Gaining Independence through personal discovery, that normally has been craved

MORE TO FOLLOW

You can cross between categories (except snobs) and will most likely experience or come close to experiencing them all.

Fiji Time, Time flies when you're having rum!

Air Pacific kicked off well with a well trained, clean cut and booze conscious staff. The in flight magazine was all about the Rugby World Cup and beating Wales in 2007 and can they do it again. I slept well on the plane which is unusually and kind of fortunate given that the only film I wanted to see, Thor, was a channel that had been damaged on my console and came with blurred picture and in and out sound. After arriving it was five minutes before the world cup banter began with the locals. I watched the sunrise at a bus shelter whilst chatting to the locals until the familiar whiney twang of an American accent materialized with some comrades divulging unrequited philosophy with a very George W Bush optimistic approach in the usual loud and kras manner and never shutting up. I took the bus to the dock and got my catamaran at 8.30am and set off past the stunning Mamanuca island groups and deep into the Yassawa's. At 10.30am I had my first beer and by 12.30pm we had arrived at Nebua Lodge where I would be staying for the next two nights. I toured the beach with two guys from my dorm Chris and Paramedic Steve, luckily of the British variety, and followed it with a swim in the bay. It sounds a little gay but at that time we weren't aware of a large number of available females at our lodgings, this would soon change. We played volleyball with the locals which was our first taste of their aggressively competitive nature, but was all in good spirits, then we got into good spirits, namely the bottle of Jack I had bought in LAX. The sunset at Nebua was highly rated so we set off up the hill and watched a big ball of fire crash behind the ocean as eloquently and as spectacularly as ever.


 The other view was back down to the resort and reminded several of us of the others camp at lost (which almost every resort looked at from height reminded us of). The dinner was a three course extravaganza of soup, fish then fruit, simple but very good. It was also an excellent opportunity to meet people but instead of meaningful encounters I was in the mood to wind people up. This was followed with a dance off and the winner was drawn by cards from the top 2. I managed to win and then got talking to some lovely English and German girls (I didn’t mention the war), but my heart wasn’t in it so I took a stroll down the beach, albeit a bit drunk, and enjoyed the ability to see a true starry night until jet lag indicated it was bed time.



I awoke early to the sound of waves crashing on the shore, which was a very welcome and gentle alarm clock. I familiarized myself with my surroundings as it was the first time I had slept in a mosquito net and went for a walk along the beach before reading in a hammock. After breakfast I went on a cave diving trip. It was really exciting, you have to dive down about 2m (freedive) and then swim about 5m blind into a pitch black cave only lit from the hole you just swam through. Then the wonder continued as the room expanded into the darkness into many different little caverns.


Getting out was much easier with the outside light guiding the way. A few of us then decided to go cliff jumping in the inner caverns and jumped off some cool rock formations into some pretty deep water (at least 10m). After a wet boat ride back we had lunch and learnt that even if you tell a couple they’re an attractive pair, asking if they swing may get you punched, who knew. I took a snorkel around the bay at Nabua and after stepping on my 500th piece of submerged coral I started to wonder why everyone is trying to save it. It’s so brittle it it’s practically suicidal and when you step on it it breaks off in tiny pieces yearning to be free from the ocean with ambitions of striking it big on Fiji’s got talent only to end up in a Abba Cover band where Björn Ulvaeus is played by an aging Samoan. A few of went to Blue Lagoon, the same one from the Brook Shields movie (I didn’t know either), for the afternoon to see a truly magnificent coral reef, which is also where my underwater camera packed in robbing me of Fiji photos. The reef was stunning and rivalled anything I have seen in the Caribean. I also had the opportunity to see a sea snake amongst the coral.




When we were done a few people who I had met the night before sat around eating coconut from the shell while Ashley tried to catch fish with his hands, Deano tried to make a shell bikini for later, Amy and Tash did those long posing photos for profile pics, while Chris and Paramedic Steve played with a disgusting sea slug.  When we got back to Nebua we had another fiercely contested game of volleyball and chilled in the dipping sun with a few beers. The dress code for the night was bikinis so we rustled some up from the girls and I got a palm leaf and created a peacock’s tail, I don’t really know why but it was very funny.




We had a lovely Fijian curry, mild and fruity, and had another dance off, I came third but still got the prize, Winning! We then had a bikini modelling contest and with my excellent peacock impression I wowed the judges and got joint first, bring on more free booze, and Winning! I then tried to become the phoenix by lighting my tail but even after Fijian rum, toilet paper, and deodorant flame thrower the wind proved too powerful and I would not burn. I moved on to drinking games with Chris, Ash,, Tash, Amy, Fijian Joe and Deano. Unfortunately during ring of fire I got the hobbit card and spent over an hour sitting under the table being kicked. We called it a night after loads more booze and games and the girls crashed in our bunk for lack of mosquito nets in there’s. Ash played the summons drums on the way back to the bunk at 2am and a Dutch couple actually got up from breakfast, they weren’t happy in the morning. I tried to put my PJ’s on and stacked it so epically I ended up in a bed 3 bunks down with a gash straight up my shin. I passed out as soon as I refound my bed.



I woke with a buzz and had breakfast with Mike and Jess, a very sweet Aussie couple, but had to hair of the dog or the day would not be pleasant. After hearing the fallout of our loud drinking games late into the night I packed up for our next destination and chilled on the decking for my boat. I had a chat with one of the staff (amongst my other hangover chats annoying the other guests) and asked how she liked living and working in paradise. She said to you this is paradise but I am from the mainland where you don’t see mountains or water all day long, paradise for me is with my family and friends. I thought this was a very interesting perspective, subtle but heartfelt. I helped prep the fire for a Lovu, which is the same as hangi where they cook the food in a pit. The Fijian prepping the fire offered to buy a Wales shirt off me but anyone who wants to support Wales is welcome to it and gave him my 2007 world cup shirt. We caught our boat and said some goodbyes, Deano and I hit the bar and had some good squaddie/rugby banter. We saw some people on the ferry from earlier nights including that gorgeous German girl but it looked like she had shacked up with this English guy (a guy I thought was a nob on the first night). I turned to Deano and told him in no uncertain terms how interested I was in her, her best features and how it looked like she’d been coupling with that douche English guy, but obviously in less romantic words. Deano’s face melted away and he didn’t respond, allowing me to ask if they were behind me, they were. I said my goodbyes to Deano at our stop and once again got onto the dangerously overloaded shuttle boat heading for the shoreline at Korovu. I kicked off proceedings at Korovu by stripping to my underwear and jumping into their fresh water pool. I explored the beach and then played volleyball with some Norwegians and Danes, followed by tossing the rugby ball around with the locals, who, no matter their age, seem to have amazing skills and true Fijian flare.


We watched the sun set over the pacific and got ready for dinner. As the tables were smaller Chris and I double dated with Amy and Tash, a role I didn’t take lightly. It was a good laugh involving plenty of booze, dancing and no talking when food was on the table.


After dinner we had another Bulla dance, and dance off and retired to the beach for a fire and a local guitar player banging out some tunes. The Scandinavians didn’t really get involved but there was a really good atmosphere and I got to dance and then cwtch with some lovely girls.



The room was hot but surprisingly not too noisy for a thirty-two man dorm. I got a few reasonable hours then found a hammock at first light to chill and write in until breakfast. I enjoyed a quiet breakfast with the early risers, which included the first banana I have eaten since I was six, paid my enormous bar tab (again) and returned to the hammock to ponder life. After a little pondering the heaven’s opened and we had a heavy tropical shower. We were invited to a church service and intrigued I went along for the spectacle, to pay lip service. However due to my dehydration half way through the service I lost my concentration and figured out how I was going to win next year’s apprentice. Going to church seemed to work as the rain had stopped when we emerged leaving us in paradise once more. We lunched and sunbathed and bought outrageously priced bottle water and crisps. I found another hammock and dozed in the shade for our delayed boat to arrive and take us to Waya Leilei. The ferry trip from any island is a good experience, meeting friends that you met a few days before and catching up before departing again, today we caught up with Ashley, saw dolphins in Manta ray bay and found some large pacific rolling waves to keep us entertained all the way to our destination. When we disembarked in rough waters, once again overloading the now seat less boat for transport to the resort. We arrived just after sunset and Ashley decided to get on it and after a good dinner of sweet and sour fish and a chat with Karen, who was there with her son Harry and the Dutch couple Dennis and Natasha I joined him. I managed to lose three out of five drinking games consisting of riding the bus twice and being the hobbit for another stretch which saw get kicked in the face and bollocks.




In the meantime Rachel, a scouser travelling with her Irish friend Leanne, thought she saw a manta ray in the shallows on the beach, I went into the water to investigate only to discover it was a rock. We also met two springboks, Nick and Cazz from Jo’burg, Nick got so drunk during drinking games that he got lost in the dark and broke into a different hut to the one his girlfriend was in and because it was dark in there he couldn’t get out. Even funnier it turned out to be the locals hut. I stole the only lantern from our table and retired to bed. I was on the top bunk and because they were taller than me I struggled to get in and actually flipped the bunk over, much to the distress of the English girl on the bottom bunk. I found out the next morning Ashley had come into the Dorm after I had passed out looking for me, and addressed the room looking for the hobbit and when someone stirred he shouted ‘get used to it, it’s dorm life’. I love travelling with these guys.



Somehow I made it to breakfast, apologised to for flipping the bunk to a group of Irish girls I thought had effected only for the snobs to tell me not apologise that they were too good to be caught dead in the dorms. I went on the 8.30am snorkel trip to the reef and saw loads of white tip reef sharks, spectacular coral and tropical fish. The guide speared some fish and brought the sharks to the surface where we got to touch them. As I was chatting to Chris in the shallows I felt something on my leg, looked down and a shark had just gone between my legs. There was no fear, just sheer awe of these stunning creatures. When I got back I took refuge from the hot sun with Rachel and Leanne till lunch and then lay in a hammock with Amy until afternoon activity, island swimming. A boat dropped us off at the opposite island and we had to swim back, something that I got really pumped about. A bunch of rogue swimmer set off on the 1.5km swim and we had only just crossed over the other islands coral reef when I spotted a manta ray. I then decided to make good time and powered on, only slowing to check my bearings (which hilariously was normally sideways). I arrived back in around 30 minutes followed shortly by Harry, and Karen bought us cake at tea time to celebrate the crossing. I could have done the summit walk but chose to seek the comfort of the hammocks, but after being eaten by mosquitoes I joined the volleyball match on the beach. After a reasonable game I showered off but forgetting my towel and not wanting to put on wet sandy bathers again i pulled down the shower curtain and marched to my room. I mulled around chatting and jumping out of bushes to scare people before dinner but then had a really good chat about life and past loves, and the future with Leanne and then headed to dinner. Unfortunately an overzealous kiwi heard saffer Nick and I discussing the Wales vs SA game we were both attending and possible winners and all this woman could say is all blacks. Later when we discussing the state of South Africa rugby all she could say was all black, it was imposing and unwelcome that we had to move on quickly to escape her. It started to rain so we ate inside and chatted to the usual group and some Danish girls on a holiday from their semester abroad in Sydney. The rain passed and I returned to my bunk to switch to a single, great choice. I returned in time for the Bulla dance and partner games that although I was apprehensive about at dinner turned out to be a good laugh. I met some new people, including the gorgeous Amy from Brighton and had some beers before joinging a Kava ceremony.

You sit in a circle drinking what looks like muddy puddle in a ritual. It makes your mouth go numb and gives you a similar buzz to narcotics, or so I’m told. After this I slept very well.



I woke just before 5.30am and joining Chris, Dennis and Amy woke our guide and set off on the sunrise summit walk, which was hard and sweaty work. The view was stunning and after an initial cloud obstructed view the morning sun burst through and left us in silent wonder. I walked back with our guide who talked about the ‘poofda’s’ staying at the resort and how odd their behaviour last night was. It was basically normal behaviour for a couple but these guys loved electric colours and stand out clothes, which was extremely foreign to the Fijians. The guide went on to tell me if Fijian was found to be acting ‘queer’ he would be taken before the elders and probably beaten in public. I grabbed a quick shower and hit breakfast and discussed the previous night’s antics with my hiking group plus Tasha. After breakfast I found a hammock until check out and just has a think about how amazing Fiji was with its year round good weather, friendly people, beautiful resorts and endless epic activities. I feel it’s appeal to be strong enough for me to hopefully return one day. Once again this heightened by the timelessness of these beautiful islands that are enjoyable regardless of ages, financial situation, relationship status or reason to visit......as long as you are not a 'poofda', however our new electric colour friends took solace in destroying the Fijians at beach volleyball. I exchanged my hill hammock for a beach one and unfortunately fell asleep burning my thighs to shit (you will see later how this came back to bite me).  At lunch Harry started receiving some unwanted attention from the big gay Russian, starting in the form of long stares and winks but Harry as an eighteen year old fresh out of school with a girlfriend at home was properly mortified, not aided by the Russian chatting to Harry’s mum to tell her how gorgeous her son was. I bought a bracelet from the village and returned to my Hammock to read Slash’s autobiography. The wind picked up hindering another attempt at doing the Island swim, and it also started to chill off and become overcast, leaving several people fearful of the choppy water for the shuttle to the ferry. We ended up walking to the other side of the island to catch the shuttle and it was a lot less choppy for the main part of the exchange. The ferry ride however was epic, we ended up with one of the smaller white ferries and all parked it on the top deck thinking we were going to be safe and dry, how wrong we were.  I started proceedings by stacking it onto four people in the high swell, then came the waves soaking us all clean through and stinging as the bounced off the captain’s cabin, it was epic and a really good laugh. We arrived at beachcomber, the first low lying island, that takes fifteen minutes to walk around and stands at an impressive two metres above sea level. We formed a drinking circle with Deano (you’re my boy blue), Ashley, Nick and Caz, Mike and Jess, a Danish guy I invited, a stupid Aussie, a naughty looking German chick and I’m sure Chris, Amy and Tash were there. Dinner was adequate but filling and we followed with more drinking games that due to Happy Hour dissipated quickly into dancing and more shenanigans. There was a limbo contest and as i was wearing tight shorts I couldn’t stretch out to my proper limboing positions, so I stripped to my y-fronts, and until I had a moment of clarity almost let the staff encourage me to go all the way. Needless to say I showed off my severely burnt thighs but I won the men’s competition and actually beat the best girl as well.



Theres winning and then there is inning!


Deano showed his sleeping disorder where basically he would play possum until a girl came and spoke to him, surprisingly effective. We also had a several pile ons, one resulting on multiple injuries to Amy, for which Deano got a bollocking in the morning.

After this, Ashley and I decided to dick around with the flood light until some large looking Fijians started congregating and plotting our demise. Later Deano and I jumped off the roof, and got told off, then tried to climb back on the roof and got told off. I say got told off lightly as Deano was pulled off the roof by his bollocks and I was whipped on my calf by a microphone cable. Deano and the scandos then tried to retrieve coconuts from the tree and instead of them getting in trouble I got pulled aside and warned about our behaviour, as Deano would say, I’m always caught.

Another Fijian told me that he would pull my ears off, oh Fijians. I would feel threatened but this one was a scrawny teen trying to reach warrior proportion, I just laughed it off and told Deano, who by this stage was alcohol critical and had decided to mate with the only person there less coherent than him. I got my dance on then joined Tash, Harry and Ashley hunting Deano and this girl down to wind them up, classy Deano had tried the boiler room and other terrible destinations to take a girl until he ditched us all together. I gave into the liquor and completely crashed out.





I got up for breakfast and watched the 2003 World Cup Final on the big screen and also some of the Euro qualifiers that were going on before having a long chat with Deano about the shenanigans of the night before. Deano, who could not get up for morning wood reasons informed me of all I missed, which didn’t turn out to be that much but everyone had had an epic night, for our last one on the islands. After talking to Deano I looked at my watch and realised I hadn’t packed and my boat was in five minutes so I bailed quickly and made the boat as they were on Fiji time. We had booked a day aboard the Seaspray yacht which took us to Castaway Island, from the Tom Hanks movie. Harry baited Chris about his and Amy’s disappearance resulting in several unconvincing stories, and then Harry decided it was his day for banter and gave Chris a lot of pay back for the gay Russian jokes. We all got soaked by a rogue wave, really setting the tone for the day as cold, big swell, and windy. We arrived at Castaway Island and were offered to swim to shore so I dived off the front of the yacht, I immediately regretted my decision, the water was freezing and I basically sprinted my way to shore. I did a quick tour of the coral and of the Island before passing out on the beach, having a week of sleep catch up with me. The rest of the day consisted of an excellent BBq lunch and me sleeping or being cold, or both. As we arrived I had a beer and livened up before getting the ferry back to the mainland, saying goodbye to Chris, Karen and Harry at beachcomber and Dennis, Natasha, Mike and Jess on the mainland. We headed to Smugglers Cove for half a night’s sleep before flying out to New Zealand and met Tash and Amy there, who informed us Ashley and Deano had come back for one last night with us, so much for an early one. Dinner took ages to come and was so-so but unfortunately due to the wait we missed the fire dancing and knife show. I roomed with Paramedic Steve as we were catching the same flight in the morning, it was a very attractive room, albeit the gigantic cockroaches in the bathroom. I had a few beers with Deano and the girls before calling it a night. Sleep was non-existent as I had a reaction that can only be described as similar to contact dermatitis where my hands swelled up and blistered, not pleasant, but with the help of paramedic Steve I subdued them before any real incident.


I woke in pain to the reaction on my hands but made the airport with Tash, Amy and paramedic Steve, wrote some postcards and waited to board. Our Fiji adventure was over, now for the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand.