R & R in Koh Tao

The ferry from Koh Phangan to Koh Tao was rough! We missed most of the post full moon exiles who went to Samui but the boat was still packed (although in my comatosed status I didn't know this). I was awoken by a kick to my leg, it was the women who had spent most of the journey moaning about everything and anything she could clambering over me to spew out of the window. I don't get sea sick, regardless of how hung over I was, but I can't do the smell of sick and she made the cabin stink. So I set off down the boat during a ridiculous swell and soon found myself tripping over the people littering the floor, bouncing off the walls and falling into seats whether they be vacant or not. I found a place to sit for the last part of the trip and hurriedly vacated the boat seconds after she moored up. Koh Tao has the natural charm of a Thai Island but with some of the best reefs and marine life it has become a mecca for diving, and as such all accommodation is pretty much a dive centre as well. We stayed in Sai Rei Cottages,  a shady and outrageously good value complex just off the beach and just out of ear shot of the night life but a five minute walk away...not that post full moon we cared about 'getting on it'. Our main aim here was to rest up and transition from full on to normal again (or as normal as a traveller can be). I showered and then slept until early evening where I met Penny in a cozy cafe style bar/restaurant. I had dinner and then went on a walk and discovered a much more laid back and chilled out vibe, exactly what we were looking for. It did still cater for the boozing party tourists but it was on a smaller scale and way more relaxed. The beach however had the bars and night life I craved with fire acts, beach BBQ's and good music. Penny and I shared a bungalow for B350 which is £7 and up the way we saw stunning air conditioned bungalows for B1600 (£32) a luxury which makes you wonder why we pay so much for crappy hotels with great car park views in the UK. This inspired me to return when I have made so money and this 'luxury' could actually become the normality. Not to say that I would go to 5* hotels, I would follow the tourist route but instead of budget rooms and dorms I would stay in a nicer room for a week for the same price as one night in a Premier Inn in Hull on a Tuesday in October.....breakfast not included. The change in attitude and mentality on this island made me feel like Richard and reinvented my search for paradise amongst the 'parasites' who go to and ruin these locations.

That night I couldn't sleep, not really a surprise considering I slept for the entire four hour boat trip and also all afternoon. I went for a walk and took my time to think through a decision. I had a chat with Penny and then after being awake most of the night making considerations I eventually slept on it.

We checked out of the bungalows the next morning as they had been booked out by the dive centre. We walked up Sai Rai beach and had breakfast overlooking the water which was rather pleasant and I was very confident of my decision to return home for Christmas and surprise my friends and family.  We checked into the Blue Wind and booked our forthcoming travel to Phi Phi. It was a relaxing day, we swam and exchanged travel anecdotes, we played cards on our porch and watched the sun drop into the Gulf of Thailand in a stunning orange and pink glow. We had dinner and a few drinks and checked out the beach activity before setting up the mosquito nets.....which turned out to be a waste of time. With the fan on the room was cool enough but the beds were so worn they would alert you to any minor movement even with my earplugs in, which disrupted any form of extended sleep.

We had breakfast, checked out and had the usually 200 person queue for the boat tickets which they send you from line to line, which I am sure is only for their own amusement. Fortunately this time we got the high speed catamaran that 'doesn't go from side to side'. It was a pleasant and fast crossing to Koh Phangan where we waited to be picked up by another Cat. When we were waiting a middle aged American came and asked us when the bus leaves to Phuket, when we were on a different Island.....on the wrong coast of Thailand, A for confidence but I think he is failing Geography. I had another experience of Thai people not queueing which really annoys me and then we got the ferry back to Surat Thani and connecting bus to Krabi. I somehow managed to sleep on this bus that shook rattled and was more likely to roll than Big Joe Turner and only seemed fit to go into circulation on the school bus run in South Wales.

A Full Moon in Koh Phangang

So as part of our travelling to Koh Phangan we checked out of our 'hotel' in Bangkok and sat around all day in a free wifi bar waiting for the bus. I had a massage and went for a few walks before we were finally collected and made to stand by the side of a busy road in thick smog to actually get on the bus. The bus was a lovely experience of remote comfort and AC that if anything was too cold. I had some very vivid dreams of being on Robinswood Crescent with my brother Rob and having deep purple lightening strike and burn everything while we ran around trying to get people indoors and animals away which consisted of mainly dogs but also a camel and a bear. When it had finished and we walked up to our street the wind blew through so hard that it distorted vision in a white blur carrying chunks of newspapers and left hundreds of black umbrellas outside my door. When we got to the house we found it boarded up by the children versions of Billy the Kid and the hole in the wall gang. Back to reality; when we got to Surat Thani we were ceremonially shouted at to get off the bus and wait for the bus to the port. When we finally made it to the port it was a two hour ferry via Ko Samui to Koh Phangan, where the fun began. We had to fight against travellers to get our bags which were heaped into a pile dockside then push our way through to get the taxis and after the bouncy journey we had to slog our way through the streets of Haad Rin to find our accommodation. So after 20hrs of travelling we were finally there, so we took a look at the stunning main beach and the not so nice but good enough topless beach. We had lunch and I went for a swim leaving Penny to read his book. After my swim I went for a walk and ended up playing an hour of beach football, which left me blowing out of my ass. After I had cleaned up I met the boys I had just played footie with at Same Same their Danish hostel. We played some drinking games and met a wenglish girl and lost at the quiz. I bought Penny a pint of Stowford press and left him chatting up the wenglish girl while I went to a pool party in Coral View. When we got there one of the boys tried to push me in and after a brief wrestle spear tackled me at the water....and missed, crashing me onto the hard concrete spine first, then I bounced into the pool cutting my leg. I was pretty drunk so I carried on partying including being the base in a three man totem poll and wrestling with girls in their underwear, before calling it a night and heading to bed.

I had a long cold sleep and then watched Rome while Laptopping. Penny and I caught up and I found out his safety first approach let the fish of the hook. I met our room mates, a hot Korean chick and a Californian guy who loved to talk and turned out to be a rather lucrative drug dealer in the US and has done some serious time inside. I rented us a moped and Penny took to the bitch seat, but as we were dangerously overloaded we were constantly on a wobble. We didn't let this deter us and in true Che Guevara style we took off into the jungle toppling over left and right and centre on the badly beaten dirt roads. Eventually we made it to a beach that is supposed to be one of the nicer ones on the island but the wind and bad weather had come in leaving it cold and deserted, so we headed back. In the room we met pretty much everyone else including zee Germans, some Americans, a fellow Brit and the odd other vagabond all with their own story. The pretty standardised approach to meeting fellow travellers consists of the following:-
1 Hi! Whats your name?
2 Where are you from?
   - Follow up retort; I was there in............./ I love it there/ that's cool
3 How long are you in ............(insert country/place)
4 Where are going after this?
5 Where have you been?
This is not deep and meaningful but you realise its fairly standard, usually followed up by want to grab a beer/shag? I have not met many enlightened or deeply interesting people in Koh Phangan outside my dorm but they normally fall into the following categories of older hippies who never made a life choice, people who are avoiding making a life choice or gap yar time wasters putting off the next stage of their lives without learning anything, louts who are looking to get pissed and have a shag or fight, drug tourists and air heads who came because they were told to. It's a nice island and the revelling is fun but there is zero depth to this 'festival'. Penny and I walked along the beach seeing the hastily erected liquor stalls being prepared for the carnage that was about to unfold. We chilled in our room till late so as not to do my classic mistake of overcooking to early, we were thinking of hitting up our bar but these French arseholes who can only be described as louts, which I thought was a British institution were being lary and pretty much attacking women in the street to try and grope them. It was quite disgusting, next they will be claiming benefits, reading les Sun newspaper and pop out little french chavvy bastards. We ignored them and wandered down to the beach where the party was kicking off with thumping tunes, body paints and buckets of booze. On the beach we bumped into the boys from the other night, got some buckets and raved a little bit. One of the boys genuinely looks like Manuel from Faulty  Towers and we gave him the 'He's from Barcelona' banter. After a while he suggested we take a long tail boat to a secret bar away from Haad Rin. I didn't really have the funds but curiosity got the better of me and I jumped about the boat for a very choppy trip up the coast. It was a private and secret bar that some guy had opened away from main roads and had apparently paid off the cops to allow drug taking and even provide a drugs menu. Penny and I drank while the rest of the boys experimented with more illicit substances and we watched on and laughed as they tripped balls. It got late and we took the equally as expensive and dangerous boat ride back to Haad Rin and called it a night as it was 4am, although the beach raving purists were still going hard.

I was woken by the drug dealer in our room offering me pills in exchange for some water, I declined but gave him the water anyway. I was again woken by the Korean girl asking loudly why everyone had been asking her 'how much?'. After the initial ruccus of people getting up I napped again until those French bastards started pumping music out of the bar downstairs. I found out that tonight was going to be a Lunar Eclipse visible in Asia as well as the full moon party this got us very excited. We had a curry lunch and booked our boat to Koh Tao on Monday and settled in to a chilled afternoon in prep for the BIG night. Eventually when we started getting ready for the Full Moon Party everyone started coming out of their shell and I realised that we had a good group in our room, especially when we started body painting each other, as is the custom. I exchanged Welsh words for Dutch with one of the girls and she wrote down my arm SWAFFELEN, and sang it to LMFAO everyday I'm shuffling. Look it up and have a good laugh. In the meantime I got chatting to this gorgeous Irish lass who was out here for four months to learn Thai massage enroute to Sydney. I asked her if it was erotic massage, thinking she had probably heard that a hundred times before to which she replied in her sexy Irish accent 'I don't have to go to Thailand to learn how to give a Happy Ending.' So we went out with our dealer friend, a guy from California, the Dutch body paint girl who is a Doctor in Thailand and the hot  Korean chick. We hit the beach and throughout the night we bumped into and lost almost everyone we had seen so far on the Island; we all drank buckets half full with vodka (the dutch doctor gave the dealer one of sea water when he was high and he spewed), I got propositioned by a ladyboy prostitute (if you were wondering I declined) and we raved the night away until I was completely seperated (as most stories the next day started) from everyone and felt I had contributed enough efforts to the Karma of the party and went to bed via a quick food stop. I must have made friends as almost everyone as they returned to the dorm woke me for a chat or say hi which was pretty cool, including hot Irish Helen.

I woke early to a scene that could only be compared to a Roman orgy, half the people in our small cramped dorm had brought back company and were going at it hammer and tong. I sat up, took stock, laughed uncontrollably and then went back to sleep. When I awoke again its because the two airhead American girls who claim that got in at 1am (lame) were chatting loudly with the company they had brought back. Using the word SO way too much and lacking a diverse range of adjectives to convey hilarity of the rather timid account of the English guys past. Penny had snored all night and this guy who wasn't a guest of the dorm kept throwing stuff at him so he woke looking like he rinsed a carnival of all its prizes. I no longer feel his snoring will be an issue as our dealer friend gave me earplugs......to choke him with. But in all seriousness I used them last night and they worked so well. I had random chats with people in the room as they departed including Mark a guy from Manchester who had been trying to sleep while our dealer friend was banging a prostitute right next to him. I went for lunch with Cooper and we discussed the fallout from the night before and all the shenanigans in the room in the morning. We went for a swim but the tide was high, the wind blowing hard and the shallows filled with sandals and broken glass so I gave up and went and chilled in the room. I chatted with Kyle the drug dealer and he informed me that he shagged the Japanese girl he was with on the beach and a Thai girl who asked for cash in the dorm but didn't pay her. He then offered a bounty of B1000 to get in touch with the Japanese girl from the night before as he had not got her details. I then had a lovely chat with Helen the fun and hot Irish chick about travelling and seemed to be on the topic of sea gypsies for way to long. This girl is kind of awesome, she gives me shit all the time and keeps me on my toes! We exchanged details with the possibility of travelling together at some stage. I really like our crowd and now that I have got to hear most of their stories I'm really enjoying their company but I still maintain my earlier comments about types of travellers to Koh Phangan. We had also met a guy that had been asked to walk a girl home as this English guy was following her and he got beaten up and gouged, the police battered the guy severely but his retina was detached and as there was no arrest just mob justice he probably won't be able to sue. Then the girl who asked him to walk her home called him a dick for fighting, I too have had doing the right thing get me beaten up with no gratitude so I fully sympathised. We chilled in Mushroom Mountain watching the sun go down over the main beach then after Kyle turned up stoned we got some beach bucket cocktails and went for a Curry. We ordered way too much but somehow managed to finish it. We went back to the room and played drinking games with Loes (dutch doctor) and Helen (hot Irish) which was a good laugh. Kyle came back to the room with a slashed toe and Loes dealt with the cut while I cleaned up and around 1am we decided to go out drinking on the beach. We did fire limbo and I unfortunately lost although I did make it down to the last few, guess I was just way too pissed this time. We danced the night away in the shallows and Penny spent a nice while spewing and when I checked on him he spewed on my arm. I saw Mars and stared at it quite a bit as was my liquor fixation. Back in the room I drunkenly flipped off Loes and can't remember why and she hit me while I was asleep and anywho we had a bloody great night, and I hope we're all still friends.

We got a taxi to the port still drunk and starting to hang, turns out the results were in and the final total for the party (according to fat nosey bitch waiting for ferry) was 632 injured 2 dead, good partying! I had walked away unscathed and felt bad about it. I got on the ferry and slept away my troubles in the cabin as Koh Phangan disappeared under the horizon.

Bangkok has him now

While sitting in Sydney airport we decided that in preparation for Asia we needed some safety rules to protect us  from basically dying. So here they are so far:-
1 Complete discretion, what goes on tour stays on tour
2 Do not let me get drunk and jump in a Thai Kick Boxing ring
3 Under no circumstance allow either of us to willingly or unwilling shag a ladyboy

At this point I started to lag as I was hung over and working off three hours sleep. Penny played KTB while I lapped the airport. I checked the extortionate exchange rates and tried my best not to buy airport travel porn. We decided to have a few drinks on the flight which turned into the most I have ever drunk on a flight ever....they just wouldn't cut us off, bless you Thai Airways. However in doing this we broke the cardinal sin of travelling don't arrive in a new city, completely different to what you are used to pissed, it can be a recipe for disaster. In our case we got lucky, we got an airport to a hostel, checked in and chillaxed. It's exactly how my imagery of a Bangkok twin room would be with two hard mattresses, a ceiling fan and just enough room to turn around with a shared shower/toilet/living hell. We went exploring (drinking) through Khao San, meeting a few characters but the alcohol and jet lag determined an early night.

I woke early to an odd smell and found a pile of human shit behind Pennys bed. It was early and I was still drunk so figuring what it was and more importantly who dunnit was not a fast task. It had dried so it was from the night before when we were both smashed so it became Sherlock Holmes messiest mystery yet. Of course Penny denied it, even though I remember coming back and passing out while Penny can't remember getting back. So it was left to a case of Cluedo and with my humble 'guess' I would like to go with Prof Penny Plum in the Bangkok hotel room with plenty of alcohol. We took a Tuk Tuk on a tour of the city getting a  cheap breakfast and joined some locals for a customary beer at breakfast, although it was 7am. We saw a few of the temples and other sites before seeing the extortionate side of the Thai people where we were taken to several Tailors so the Tuk Tuk driver could get petrol coupons and were heavily pressured into buying suits and making rash decisions. As neither of us would be swayed by their roguish trading tactics they became rude, then as did we. The Tuk Tuk driver then turned from being a friendly and helpful guide into a crook by not giving me change after the ride. It cost next to nothing and I was actually going to tip him what he took but these little shits love a scam. In the afternoon we took another Tuk Tuk to a few other sites but by now had learnt our lesson. We checked out the red light district in the day, as it is a realistic part of tourism in the city, it was quite unnerving and the idea of prostitution has never been my cup of tea but to see it marketed to sex tourists was rather sickening. I got a hair cut and shaved off my mo before we adjourned to a fish foot massage which is one of the weirdest things I have ever done. We had a nap then watched Shane Williams' last ever game for Wales, in which Wales lost but Shane had the last say with a try of his own. It may have been because the booze was flowing or that we just witnessed one final moment of Williams brilliance but it got a little emotional. Thank you for the memories Shane!

The next day we woke at an ungodly hour to take a day trip out of bustling Bangkok. We started at the Floating markets about two hours drive away. It was a snapshot of how Bangkok used to trade with long tail engine boats and stalls on the water. It was more commercialised, aimed at the tourists but a good way to see how things used to be before the Western Bastardisation of the former simple ways. After the market we went to the Cobra show where we saw a man piss of a King Cobra my slapping it before we were allowed to touch it, a man catch snakes with his teeth as well as a Mongoose kill a bunch of snakes. There was also loads of snake exhibits as well as crocs, monitor lizards and turtles, a bit cruel but definitely worth a visit. We had lunch and then went to the Bridge over the River Kwai which was highly commercialised but and important piece of history. The guide book didn't have a lot of nice things to say about this area and I agree in terms of street sellers and stalls but the bridge was rather impressive and we took a stroll across it. We followed this up with a  final stop at the Tiger Temple, a Buddhist retreat where you can get up close and personal with Tigers, this was in short a once in a lifetime experience, sitting around stroking Bengal tigers and watching them interact with humans and other animals peacefully. We took a heavy traffic four hour trip back to Bangkok, for which Penny slept the majority of the way while I planned the rest of our Thai experience, got dinner at Silk before calling it a night.

We woke early, but not Bangkok early and spent the morning having breakfast, blogging and planning. Then after a lovely thai green curry we went to the park where they were setting up for the celebrations for the Kings birthday. There were loads of stalls and I ate deep fried bugs. We had a few beers then returned to the park to see the fireworks. After the fireworks they started setting off Chinese lanterns and a few rogue ones crashed into the crowd of trees. I saw one coming down and I tried to rescue it, but it caught on a fire and I looked like a twat trying to put it out. I bought my own and set it off with hundreds others into the Bangkok night. We went on to Lucky bar on Khao San and had some beers and due to the festivities we got free shots and free food, long live the King! We met some Aussies and some Geordies and I got incredibly drunk and autopilot set in and apparently I went home without saying anything.

I woke still pissed and as we had a day to kill I drank it away in the heat.

Feeling better but for the lack of sleep in the heat we checked out and had breakfast and prepared ourselves for the overnight bus to Koh Phangan.

I went to the Land down under, for a brief stop and plunder!

Our arrival to Sydney was smooth, we breezed through customs, received our bags quite quickly and set off to find transport to the city. This is where we felt the pinch of how costly this city can be with a $15 train to the city which was a 15 minute journey. We left the bags at the hostel and took the free bus to circular quay, visited the opera house and got the ferry to Manly, enjoying the stunning views that accompanied it. When we got to Manly we had 'ghost' chips and went down to the promenade where even though it was blowing quite heavily the beach was filled with beautiful people. We strolled the promenade, taking in the view and admiring how stunning Aussie women are (and the Europeans who have ventured over). Having been sleep deprived from the sty in the airport the night before I had a quick paddle then slept on the beach. It got really overcast and windy so I went for a walk, after a couple of laps of the promenade I felt groggy and excused myself to go check in, shower and have a nap. Unfortunately the boys arrived post shower and I didn't get the nap but we went on to a $3 beer establishment and had pizza after the hostels deals fell through. We had a couple of beers then got the party bus to Coyote in kings cross where we were promised a huge party, but even by about 11pm there was still little atmosphere and with Stoney falling asleep in the corner, and fatigue settling in, we decided to call it a night.

I went for breakfast by China town by myself while stone and pen had a lie in. I people watched and had a mean breakfast and met the boys and went for a walk through the botanical gardens. We walked the bridge and then went to century bar for beers o'clock and got pizza on the walk back. We met Ash from Fiji at his hostel and hit up our dive bar where Amy met us late, the drink flowed and very soon we were regaling Fiji tales and stories of lust and want! Amy with here 'huge' win at the casino splashed out for Hungry Jacks and we went to bed very drunk.

I woke early as I hadn't reset the time on my alarm and woke on New Zealand time. We checked out and wandered down to Darling Harbour, a favourite of Rachel and Amy, and actually her current residence......sex! We had breakfast harbour side, I showed my class as the boys orderd fry ups I had Salmon Benedict, and it was good. We visited a lighthouse then returned to Century bar to pass the afternoon before Stoney departed back to England. As we had checked out we no longer had access to the lounge, so I came up with a cunning plan, we bought pizza and got in the lift with other people who would scan there key card and sent us to comfort, where we also got goon and cheese....as per the hostels scheduled activity. We slept overnight in the cinema room which was a bit more comfortable.

We got up and collected the train tickets to the airport an returned to collect our bags from storage as if we were just picking them up and hadn't been there all night. It went off so smoothly it left me in a mischievous mood that dissolved as tiredness set in.

New Zealand: The Beautiful South

We arrived into Christchurch and collected our car then picked up some camping supplies and drove down the beautiful snow-capped mountain range to stunning Lake Tekapo. The idea was for some budget camping, unfortunately this camp had other ideas and was similar price to a hostel just to camp, but after tent and cooking supplies etc we were quite down. On the plus side the facilities were the best I have ever had camping with full spa, kitchen, tv lounge, laundry room etc turns out it’s a ski lodge in the winter. Stoney got his bag off the carousel first and therefore was captain, and dealt out the drinks fines like a short guy with a god complex, over the top and unnecessary. We had dinner and drinks and then played some cards on make shift table and chairs made from chopped wood. We went for a icey cold walk to the pub and somehow managed to commandeer a fork lift. We watched some tv in the car and then had one of the coldest nights sleep I have ever had.

I woke at 6am, very cold and went for a walk with Penny where I saw him perform the most dangerous drunken no sleep shave in the history of man, I left him to it and went for a walk and took some pics of the sun coming up over the mountains before sleeping in the car for another 3 hours and then made breakfast. I spent about twenty minutes feeding the ducks that took the food straight from my hand…it was so fun. We went to see a Salmon Farm but the tour was closed and was quite disappointing. We went and saw Mount Cook, the tallest mountain in New Zealand, and for some reason I had a picture in my pants with Kevin the shark in front of it. Stoney drove and had a high success rate of hitting birds, but all in all did a good job. We stopped in Cromwell to get Wine Tour info but decided to head straight down to Queenstown, as Penny was useless and slept the whole time contributing nothing I decided to swerve so he banged his head against the window, several times. When we arrived the vibe was immediately that of energy, youthfulness and fun. We checked into Base hostel. After freshening up we hit world bar to check it out where we discussed activities to do here. Unfortunately due to money constraints I realised I couldn’t afford to Jet Boat, something I really wanted to do, but gives me a great excuse to return. We played drinking games in Altitude bar, had teapot cocktails with hens at World Bar, then returned to Altitude where Penny met his Peruvian boyfriend and I chatted to a cute Canadian rugby trick to my horror when she started telling me her problems. Stoney kept disappearing for us to find out later that he was at the casino. I got drunk and went to bed, although stoney said we sat in the corridor for a while eating crisps, I have no recollection of this.

Next I woke and Stoney and I went for breakfast but Stones wanted to go via the casino, where I started to raise a concern about his gambling on this trip. Anyway we corrected course and went to a Deli instead for a nice brekkie and coffee. We followed this with a walk along the banks of the lake, I have been flipping off Green Juicy Rental vans for pretty much no reason and there were plenty for me to flip off here. I showered, Stoney went up to the room and watched people sleep and we went to Fergberger for lunch, a Queenstown must. We returned to the casino for Stoneys fix watched him win comprehensively. We had signed up for Amazing Race, a scavenger hunt and as no one turned up we won through default, then we found out there were others and were stripped of our title and made to do it. We needed pictures and items from around town including jumping in the lake, conga line, busking, shadow stalking and getting beaten up by an old person. We came 2^nd but they split the tab anyway. The winners were two cute Irish chicks and an incredibly short Hoosier living in Tampa. I have noted that I must leave Queenstown soon or I won’t at all, it’s a really good laugh here. For the first time ever I saw Stones on the pull and doing well, I was so proud so backed off and let him do his work. Then he disappeared….casino. I later found out that the team that won, one of the Irish chicks was shagging the organiser….it was about as corrupt as Sepp Blatter Bingo, but maybe slightly less racist. Got wasted and went to Sky City Casino where Stoney lost and I won, then went back to the hostel before Gamblor insisted he could recover his losses and we went to Lassetters Casino where we both lost, however I left up overall. Stoney by this stage was quite pissed off and sulked in bed with a big bag of crisps.

In the morning I was rudely awoken by the French tosspots in our room, who had slept all day the day before and we had tiptoed around with the light off, they were loud put the light on for no reason and kept shaking my bed……there is a place in hell for you arseholes. I had breakfast alone and then had a walk with the boys. Later the hostel put on a BBQ and goon for free outside on the lawn so we chilled and chucked around the rugby ball and failed miserably to hackysack but progressed and got slightly better. To describe how much we were drinking, the liquor store attendant knew me by name and gave me a discount card. We followed this with $2.50 handles at Brazz and then bounced around until we got Stoneys fix at the casino. We had a faux stag do for me for no other reason than it would be a laugh….and it was. I was ejected from every bar on the strip at least once but mostly twice. I died my moustache blue, wore fairy wings and drank excessively.

I bothered the reception staff at Base until one, Helen, agreed to go for a lunch time drink with me, Penny joined, CB! I managed to get a locals tab at ‘Surreal’ a quirky bar with a wicked roof terrace. We moved onto Brazz for happy hour again, where Stoney joined us. We went to the casino and I eventually met Helz at World bar for a night cap and then back to hers for a film.

Without having slept I met the boys at 7.45am for our trip to Milford Sound, what they have labelled the longest and most epic ‘walk of shame ever’. I dozed to Milford Sound and then boarded the cruise, where we had a fantastic buffet lunch with everything from Pork Belly to Mussels, by far the best meal I have had in a long time. It was raining heavily which makes Milford Sound stunning with the dramatic waterfalls and cloud formations around the mountains. I had no coat so got soaked but it was worth it, I dozed on the way back in between watching ‘Love, sex and other drugs’ which turned out to be not too bad, especially as Anne Hathaway decided to be clotheless for most of the film. We got in, I showered and went to bed.

I had a long but broken sleep and somehow hurt my back but got up prepared to break out of the Queenstown bubble.. The aim was Wanaka but on arrival it was washed out so we made a judgement call to hit up the Franz Josef Glacier. It was soaking all the way there which made more waterfalls but for unpleasant driving conditions. We stopped at a few waterfalls and on the east coast beaches to enjoy the view but powered on to the Glaciers. We checked into Chateau Franz a chilled hostel with hot tub and small room numbers and finally a place where we can drink inside. We went to Monsoon Bar for happy hour, Penny left early to make dinner, which we missed as we entered a killer tournament. Just before this we met a German couple who seemed quite nice until they asked me what my Uni specialty was and I replied the WW2 bombing of Britain….to which he joked by who? We let it go. He offered to by us drinks which we accepted but then they never materialised, weird Germans making promises they don't keep, I feel like Poland.  We cracked on with Killer pool, which turned out to be 30 people big and filled with arrogant Americans, flukey, but hot chicks and a host that played Cancun rules, if he likes you you can’t lose a life and get rewarded with Booze for no good reason…..he did not like me, and I very much did not like him. After my first with the threat of a thirty minute wait looming I retrieved Penny but on arrival back Michael ‘Sell you out’ Stonelake was saying I had left and I should be scrubbed out…..cheers mate! Needless to say I once again received no shots that were on and although I potted I was swiftly out of the game and pissed off with the host. I threw a hissy, and the bars sign into the bushes and went back to the hostel where I had dinner and watched Legion before bed. I was awake most of the night with Penny and his snoring duo in the room with backup swearing by a pissed off French Chick, so I retreated to the couch in the tv room and slept there.

In the morning I was extremely tired and cold and made breakfast while Penny played laptop and Stoneboner slept. Penny later told me that it was me snoring and the French chick was shouting at me, which is hilarious as I was awake listening to it all and it was Penny and the other guy in the room. We prepped for our Glacier walk and set off. It was a lot different to what I expected walking up a river bed to the glacier with stunning waterfalls everywhere but the Glacier itself was a little disappointing especially as we couldn’t get near it. We got lucky as the weather held off until we got back to the car. We watched Donny Brasco with lunch while Penny showered and shaved (including sculpting his eyebrows and shaving a chunk out of one. We then chilled in the hot tub and picked up beer before what promised to be an interesting evening. After watching the shocking remake of Children of the Corn we went out to Monsoon bar again. In the company of twenty o so nationalities I reflected on missing out on Australia, something that had been masked by my excitement for Asia. Although I will be gutted to not see my Aussie friends I feel I was only going for them, and now that I'm not I feel good that I am finally doing something for myself, something I rarely do as I'm trying to appease the masses. I felt tired after dinner so went to the hostel and watched Tron legacy which accompanied with the Daft Punk soundtrack was enjoyable watch. Then I retired to bed for another night of restless sleep, where the girl who had bitched at people for snoring had night terrors and kept waking up screaming.....and before you ask, I checked Stoney was not accosting her, he was also trying to sleep....in his own bed.

I woke early to the sound of workmen hammering and drilling in our bathroom next door which was ridiculous as we weren't even warned about it. We packed up and left, I drove excessively fast towards Queenstown on half a nights sleep, in heavy rain, not the wisest idea but ah well I made good time. We stopped by a river for lunch, big mistake, our car was populated by with flies. Penny tried to copy my excessive speed on the side of cliffs and with harsh corners. We stopped in Wanaka for pictures and Stoney droves us to Queenstown. On arrival we bumped into Martin the Base promo guy who invited us to a BBQ with free goon and free pool. We moved onto Brazz for happy hour and bumped into Helz and Johnny from Base reception. Four pitchers later swimming we decided to go for Japanese food. On the way Stoney faced his demons and went and blacklisted himself from all New Zealand casinos, but he was waisted and it was quite serious and all he could do was laugh, I was so embarrassed especially as I'm now his sponsor. We met Pen and Helz for Sake Bombs and the most expensive two piece of Japanese food I have ever had ($40 a head split bill, ouch!). The staff from Base took me to Altitude bar and used their staff discounts to get me wasted on Jaeger bombs. Helen took me for a late walk of the botanical gardens and we had some hanky panky on a large boulder in the park. We went back to hers where she promptly fell asleep and I left. In our hostel room I had to evict Stoney from my bed and then failed to sleep due to Pennys snoring and even worse some arsehole kept clapping, whistling or hitting my bunk with a cup when he snored, it was like being in prison, he pissed me off big time and I sat up cracking my knuckles ready to hit him and he stopped. 

After barely sleeping I got up and saw what I thought was his stunning girlfriend get up and strip off to change, dropping down to just a thong, it was so hot! I was going to tell him to see if I could get a reaction, shame it wasn't but great views. When the prick woke up I eyeballed him, hoping he would say something, give me any little excuse to punch him but he didn't. I went for a walk to clear my head and returned to find out that Stoney went to the casino the night he was meant to be blacklisted, and was given his only warning, next time he will get a $5000 fine and spend a night in the cells. We had lunch at Turdburger (Fergburger) and we packed up ready to go, I picked up two new nicknames in Queenstown, Mr Sex and Shagpalace......I'm not sure why I just checked into events under those aliases.  Pen drove us to Dunedin and chilled out when we got in with the simpsons, futurama and family guy. I made dinner and the hot San Diegan in our room informed us that Elton John was playing Dunedin the next night so there was no accommodation, so we had a little dillema but she advised us of a Penguin place to stay at 30mins away....so we thought we would look into it in the morning. I started to feel rough and decided staying up too late wasn't the best idea, and as Penny was not staying in our room I might actually get some sleep. I didn't! I felt rough and combined with the ho We walked for 45mins to ascend the worlds steepest residential street and at first we were all sceptical but when we finally got to the top our scepticism dissipated. We had a pizza and beer lunch to celebrate our most pedestrian of achievements, which included my first actually pint in New Zealand, the rest are a smaller measure known as a handle. We walked through Otago uni campus but in their off season it wasn't as fun but grabbed several beers before prepping back in the hostel for the Speights brewery tour. We arrived early so I Celtic dashed to the nearest pub and sculled a drink before making it back for the tour. The boys dared me to lick items on the tour as we were told we couldn't touch and I obliged. At the end we had a beer 'tasting' session and on hearing the record was 18 beers I rushed to 16, got bloated and the shakes and asked the guide the record for inspiration to crack on, which he told me it was 35....shit! We went for a curry and read that it was BYO, so we picked up some beers only to be told on arrival that it was wine only. We wolfed down the blandest curry ever (apparently they don't do spice in New Zealand) and went back to the hostel for drinking games including drinking blackjack. We headed out to some dead bars, as Elton was hoarding the people of Dunedin and returned to the Octagon where it started to pick up and we got to listen to some live music and hit a club. Stoney lost on the second round of street fighter and spent the rest of the evening sulking. He was so distraught when I called it a night he demanded we leave him....so we did.


After a groggy start to the day we headed off on the peninsula to see the Penguins and Albatross. The peninsula was blustery but stunning. We arrived at the albatross sanctuary where we were told it was free and had several signs around saying free, until we entered and it said there was a charge to see the birds. Apparently the exhibition was free but viewing the birds was expensive, which would have been ok if the exhibition hadn't been less popular than a pig farmer in Palestine. The penguins were never promised for free but I don't see how the government allows these organisations to charge you to see nature as they are wild birds and do not belong to them. We got supplies and lunch and shot on up the coast. Stones claimed that I keep vomming however that has only happened twice in New Zealand, both in Queenstown. While Stoney secretly voms and covers it up with strangers hats. We went off road to find fuel and found a quaint little seaside village that would not have been out of place on Marthas Vineyard. We also found a place called shag point and saw some seals but still no penguins. We quickly viewed the disappointing moaraki boulders and headed on to Omaru, the birthplace of All Blacks captain Richie Mccaw. We were alerted to another penguin colony and suprise suprise they were charging again, I mean when did nature become a tax? We cracked on to the Banks peninsula and after being turned away from the first place we went through Akoroa and up to the Onuka farmstay which turned out to be an awesome hostel. Penny made a curry for dinner and then we watched tv in our caravan.


When we got up I cooked eggs for breakfast and we booked stargazers (tiny huts with glass roofs) for the night. We went to Akoroa for supplies before hitting the beach with some beers. Stoney decided to bury a beer to keep it warm then practically excavated the whole beach to find it again as he refused to mark where it was buried. Pen and I went skinny dipping and then we all went back to the hostel to set up for the next night. I unfortunately found out we had been done for speeding whilst driving on the North Island and therefore have to pay out a fee to the sodding NZ police. I drank away my disdain and helped make dinner with Penny as the Sous Chef. He made a wonderful fajitas mix, a personal favourite and we spent the rest of the evening smoking cigars, drinking and watching tv before retiring to our quarters to stargaze.


I woke with the sun and decided to go and scare Penny by looking through the glass roof as he woke....he shit himself, it was hilarious. I found out the unfortunate news that Gary Speed had hung himself and was stunned. We rushed back and managed to get the car back to the rental place just on time. We stored the bags and took the bus into town to see the damage caused by the recent earthquake. Although it wasn't totalled the city centre was a mess. We lightened the mood with a stroll through the botanical gardens and had lunch in the hot sun before chilling out in a nicely air conditioned shopping centre. I went on a solo mission to view the AMI Stadium where some world cup games were meant to be held and there was a huge crack through and I heard the quake tour the pitch in half. We got the bus back to the airport to begin our twelve hour wait to check in. We played hackysack shirtless on the green outside arrivals until we exhausted ourselves and went in search of where to try and get a bit of kip that night. We nursed cups of tea in a cafe so we could watch the football, including Cardiffs 1-0 win over Nottingham Forrest. We had overpriced airport food for dinner and then food a reasonable place to settle in. Minutes after arriving the bastards evicted us from departures saying that it shut at 9pm and wouldn't be open until 3.30am the folllowing morning, the guard advised us to seek refuge in international arrivals, so we did. Then they tried to herd about fifty people into a tiny corner on the dirty floor as international visitors would not see people sleeping. There were two issues with this:-
1 They put us in the International Arrivals when now one would have known we were in departures
2 They put the people who actually listened to them next to the only exit meaning that the visitors would have to see them sleeping on the floor anyway.
These fuckwits couldn't organise a chil molestation cover up with the pope, another case of management positions being given to by the book beurocrats instead of logical thinking. I was very tired and sassed the bint who was sent to try and move us on and we stayed put. I vented a few times then went on  long walk to calm down. I then hit on the Vodafone promo girl and got swiftly knocked back.I settled in like about twenty others wherever the hell we wanted and got a little bit of sleep.

We woke at 3.45am for check in at 4am but after our tickets failed to print we were told that we would have to wait for the ticket office. I had asked very clearly the day before if we needed a visa and the answer in the group was a profound no, so I didn't chase it. $30 dollars each later and we have our premium visas and were allowed to check in, I swear I haven't seen organisation this bad since the Greek Governments Treasurer allowed his goldfish Terrance to do the countries budget......with an abacus. Anyway heading through departures we were wondering where the next tax would come in, an escalator tax, a breathing levy perhaps? No it was a tax on our time having to fill out an immigration card to leave the country, by this stage I was done with Christchurch and after three months New Zealand as well. I got on the plane and didn't look back.

Please don't let this final tale sour you on New Zealand, if you have good spending money come and visit and you won't be dissapointed! And to all my contacts and friends made.....and lost along the wa,y I couldn't have done it without you!

On the Road Again!

On the 29th October I collected Stoney from the airport and we tucked into duty free vodka and delicous store bought Kiwi beer. We watched halloween tv while Stoney dozed through his jetlag. We endured some beers and cigars in the hot tub and had a catch, albeit slightly squiffy, jetlag tired one. We watched dark comedy Black Sheep and Seed of Chucky. By this stage I was pretty pissed and Stoney being a big girls claims I broke his nose, I checked and it was fine, the big Jessie. I completely stacked it and face planted into a beanbag chair, which was lucky or otherwise it would be the hard floor. I then managed to watch spooks, Man Utd vs Everton and Arsenal enjoy a thrilling 5-3 win at Chelsea, whilst flicking back and forth between the Man with the Golden Gun and South Park. Intoxicated I stumbled to bed around the 4am mark.

I woke very early and watched some tv, before enjoying a beer and hot tub for lunch. We found out that Quantas had grounded their entire fleet and Penny who I was meant to be picking up at 5am tomorrow was flying with those bastards and had to change his flight to get here. Unfortunately Penny struggled to get a flight as he was pissed and also couldn't comprehend that drinking may ban him from the flight so we had some very un-copus mentus chat while he was drunkenly flailing around Santiago airport. If I turn up tomorrow and he is not there at 5.30am I may murder him! He went offline and I was hoping that's because he was boarding and not being escorted to a holding cell at the airport. Knowing him he'll pull a Savage and be the grounds of the flight being diverted and stopped for an arrest. Now for an afternoon of hot tub, Gavin and Stacey and more vod and beer.

I woke early and with no evidence of Penny arriving except a flight having landed I took off to the airport and circled it waiting for any signs of Bristolian life. I ducked into arrivals where he had just come through due to a mix up with his walking stick. I snoozed on the sofa whilst stoney failed on his beer run! We got the train into Auckland with the idea of crashing there overnight for Halloween shenanigans, Stone got his fix via the Sky City casino and I got wound up that the hostel closed its bar for a staff function.....on halloween and when I complained the dead eyed Dutchman at the counter couldn't have been less helpful so I checked us out on the spot and we got the train back to Mugsys and stayed there again. I just really resented giving that little shit the last of what little money I had left.

The next morning I collected the car and drove us to Raglan, checked into Raglan backpackers which was a massive chill-out place with a hot tub and free or cheap rentals of kayaks or surf boards.We went up to the beach and had a few beers and skim boarded, conditions weren't exactly ideal for surfing which was a shame. There were a few hot girls in the hot tub and I was sharking to get in but when I was waiting Penny jumped in ruining the whole ambience and labelling himself Judas. As a result Stones and I bailed and went to the hotel to watch the Melbourne Cup, just before the start I put a $5 bet on and my horse only went and won, even better the hotel put on a spread for the races. Penny came and met us later and we gave it to him for the hot tub incident but it wasn't long till we calmed down and sank into the rounds of alcohol free flowing. Later I jumped in the hot tub naked for no other reason than there was a sign permitting it. I chilled in a hammock while Penny sharked and Stoney tried really hard to chat up a girl but because he dislikes small talk, stopped her after five minutes to say 'I must tell you that this is really boring to me,' a true Casanova! I called it a night but in the dark knocked over my pot noodle from earlier and decided to clean it up with Pennys pillow, then went to sleep.

We got up and had a quick Kayak before heading off to Hamilton via Bridal Veil Falls.

Hamilton is pretty boring so we grabbed lunch and headed down to Neil and Linda's in Matamata. We went up to the shire so I could show Penny the rolling hills up to the set of the hobbit. We had a good chat and comfy beds to sleep in, a good stop off!

We had a fry up in the morning and Pen drove us to Rotorua. The boys Zorbed, then we went and argued with some Ostriches. We then went on to the Luge which was awesome, basically downhill go-karting track (unmotorised) with poor to piss poor breaks. We had three runs and I successfully passed Penny twice and Stoney once (the other times they started behind me and didn't pass).

We checked into a hostel and chilled out in the polynesian spas, wasn't as good as last time as I was considerably less intoxicated this time. We had bought pizza to cook but the hostel didn't have an oven so we went to dominos to get a pizza fix, it was probably the most disgusting dirty and fly ridden dominos I have ever seen. Penny spazzed out when he was told wifi was a dollar an hour, a free right to travellers in his humble opinion....so we continued to tease him about this. We watched Lord of the Rings 3 then 1 and then hit bed.

I would like to make a comment about Stonelakes eating habits, he can comfortably just eat fruit, crisps and fast food. We went to Taupo and enjoyed Huka Falls before trying the hole in one golf into Lake Taupo, I came close a few times but couldn't hit the green. We visited the bungee and argued about whether or not to do the Tongariro crossing. We tried to cook pizza again but no ovens so we fried them, it wasn't great but was edible. I shaved in my handle bar moustache for Movember and we got on the drinks, which was great until intoxication set in and the Maori bouncer started talking about burgers and I misunderstood go have a burger and sober up for 'get me a burger', so I said no and gave him shit.....then came the threats so I bailed. Stoney had also bailed, he has become a drunken wanderer. Pennys snoring is still an issue with girls in our room trying to roll him to stop....it failed.

The next day the boys bungeed (the same one I did before but can't afford fun like this anymore), followed by the natural springs in the mighty Waikato river. We drove to New Plymouth which had stunning mountains and a beautiful coastline, and in the shadow of stunning Mount Taranaki. We met Keri, Mugsys nephew, who I used to play rugby with. We met him in the Railway pub and Hotel in Inglewood and Keri rocks up t announce his wife just had his first child, what you wanna do tonight? Nothing fazes this guy. He let us stay at his and we had a few beers and I made dinner (beautifully cooked lamb, asparagus and pumpkin) while family came over with congratulations.

Keri hooked us up with a wicked fry up and we headed off to Whanganui via Waihi beach. We had a look around Wangas, had lunch and checked out their famous lift the Durie Hill Elevator.

I was hoping to meet Robbie Powers family but bad timing of running out of credit and then battery so it never happened and we made our way on to Wellington where we had a great beer in the sunshine down the waterfront before staying at Pennys cousin Dougs house. I watched the exorcist and crashed.

In the morning we got the bus to Courtenay Place and got the cable car up to the botanical gardens and I made a huge lunch at the hostel before I came up with a great new game to play in museums, get waisted! So you find quiet places and try and drink....not the most genuis game but great fun! We had another beautiful evening so more drinking down the front, before being robbed in a pub quiz. Got really drunk and met Layla for a cheeky drink then I trashed the hostel room.

The next day I was really hung over so ate loads of subway then decided to drink all the way to Napier. On the way I needed to answer the call of nature so climbed over razor wire drunk and proceeded to piss all over my jeans. Then we met Ben Baty, my old waterskiing buddy in Napier and abused Stonelake till bed, apparently I was incredibly lary but I had a chat with Ben in the morning and he said it was funny.

The next day was a late start but we went down Marine parade down the front of Napier and paddled in the Pacific before I beat Stoney and Pen in two rounds of mini golf. We had steak for dinner and chilled.

The idea of this day was to go on a wine tour but as Stoney and Penny don't like making decisions we sat around till lunch time not making any. I wrote my blog and felt more disinterested with doing anything. Just a morning funk, keen to get out there this alvo. The afternoon went well the boys had a great wine tour and I drove and then Stoney cooked dinner. It was so funny the boys were wasted and gave me a hard time as the sober one which was quite funny.

Stoney bought me a bottle of wine as a thank you which was an unusually classy touch. During the tour my heart sank a little as I noticed some damage to one of the wing mirrors, and as I have a $2000 retainer on my card I had a brief freak out. We watched some more tv and again settled for a relatively early night with the prospect of a big weekend.

I woke with the workers as they prepped breakfast as we had been staying in Bens living room, normally I would sleep through this but felt today I wanted to show that we weren't here on a jolly and could get up at a reasonable time, and yes I know this is going to bite me in the ass at 10pm tonight when I start to lag but solidarity brother come on! In the haze of claiming I was awake and considering dozing.....and possibly dozing, I mapped out the next few days. We went to the vineyards again but this time Penny drove so I got to do the drinking…..I mean tasting. We went to Clearview winery which had sixteen wines for tasting, start as we meant to go on. Inside the guy doing the notes for the tasting was French and as well as knowing his stuff he would finish every note with ‘so when you are a beautiful women and get some scallops/salmon/veal and cut up some shallots and make a creamy sauce this wine is perfect with it’ very funny. We hit a few more where Stoney discovered desert wine and one that we had to pay for so went to the car to collect our wallets before driving off. At the next place there was a lawn along the driveway and I decided to jump out of the moving car and tuck and roll…..twice, I think the wine was now having its desired effect. The next place did sauces as well and offered bread for dipping but when the bread ran out Penny helped himself to a slice from the loaf and promptly got cut off from having bread. We met loads of interesting people who worked at the wineries from the guy from the midlands to a very friendly Asian chick and a gorgeous blonde kiwi, who wanted nothing to do with me as I was slurring outrageously by then. We bought beer and went back to Bens where we marinated on the couch while he cooked us gourmet burgers for dinner. The plan was to go out but by midnight everyone was a bit too soused or tired so we stayed in.

I woke with a bad head and Stoneboner had nicked my covers. Ben cooked omelettes then we walked into town for a subway lunch and walk along the parade. Ben took us to the Filter House which was a cider and beer tasting tray restaurant, with six half pints for $15 and almost all being awesome! We met our hosts for the night and returned to Haverlock North to find the floor and sofas we would be sleeping on, I saw a Greece flag in a house and shouted ‘pay your bills’ Ben thought this was hysterical. We played drinking games and I developed Stoneys porno name, Tad Cut. Mine is Awesome Welles. We went to a pool party with a BBQ but no swimming. Ben showed me how to kickbox by beating me up. I felt ill and mulled around quietly for two hours before getting back in the drinking games and banter. For some reason I have written that Penny and Stoney shagged a three legged cat, don’t know why but I think it may be because Penny had been sleeping with the cat on the sofa the previous nights. Penny got quite drunk….and naked….and I pushed him in the pool, which I think was his ultimate goal. We hit town and had a really good time bar hopping. On the way back Baty was wasted and tried to walk up a small incline on a muddy bank and stacked it getting covered in mud, he then stopped us and pointed out a church telling us we can’t go there anymore. I walked a girl home and by the time I got back Stoney and Pen had taken the sofa bed and all the covers. I walked into a table knocking over a wine glass but somehow in the dark reached out and caught it before it smashed. I nicked one set of covers and then hid stoneys and pens set. I woke up halfway through the night freezing and realised I had been sleeping on the vacuum cleaner. I was annoyed so hid Stoneys shoes….I don’t really know why.

Ben drove us back the next morning and we packed up said our farewells and set off for Mt Manganui. On the way we had to pull over for Stoney as he though he would spew, but it turned out to be a stunning waterfall, he never did spew but felt rough and slept most of the journey, while Penny dozed and I contemplated. We made it to the mount and saw the stunning beach and offshore you could just about make out the stricken Rena, a container ship the drunk Captain had run aground a few weeks ago, that had spilled oil closing the beaches, fortunately it was contained, cleaned and dealt with quickly and efficiently. We went and met my other waterski buddy Jay and chilled with him as the day was pretty much a hung over write off. We watched Cars 2 and Jay stayed at his girlfriend’s meaning I had a bed to sleep in.

I woke after eight great hours of sleep, got up and watched breakfast TV where the presenters were trying to condone the fact that the All Blacks wing Zach Guilford had got drunk and naked and beaten up two people in a bar in the Cook Islands. The phrase he used was ‘Let’s face it we’re a country that drinks’, which is great advice to young misguided souls who if they did it would have been arrested. We climbed Mt Manganui which had some stunning views, Stoney really struggled with the fitness and sulked at the top until some woman took pity on him and offered him water and sweets, the lanky streak of piss. We went for a run on the back and then a swim and some midday skinny dipping, it was so warm on the beach and really pleasant. We drove to Mugsys back in Auckland and had dinner, watched Alpha Dog and had a good night sleep before returning the car and flying to Christchurch.

Where do we go? Where do we go now?

So with the weekend over and the undesirable final of France versus the All Blacks I set about returning to my normal lifestyle, doing sweet FA to save money before the boys arrive. But I'm sure there were a few jaunts left in me, the only question is where do we go now?

The lovely Lisa Mansel was pushing for a trip to Rotorua and I finally obliged and asked the girl from the other night, Sheavaun, if she fancied a jaunt.....she did! I booked everything on the Monday and while I was still in PJ's at midday my host, Nick, decided to put me to work and I spent the rest of the afternoon bleaching and washing the decking on the front balcony and afterward felt I had earned my first beer so far on the trip, which due to the lack of activity felt very good.

I woke up on Tuesday after some fairly vivid gangster dreams and met Shevaun in Auckland for lunch in the Elliot street stables. While waiting for my bus in I got soaked through in one of the random but heavy Auckland showers but the chicken fettucini at De Niros soon cheered me up. Lisa had gone ahead on an earlier bus but Shevaun was working so we caught a later one. I tried the drinking underneath a jacket thing and it was going so well until I got a little bit pissed and dropped the bottle on the floor, it didn't break but loads of people looked, to which I announced loudly nobody saw that, and everyone just looked away, great success! This trip reminds me very much of my 2008 Havoc and Chaos tour of the USA, the idea was to hit the polynesian spas then get intensely drunk and up to whatever mischief we could find. We managed to upgrade our room for free as the one we were put in was already full. We had a few of the cheap beers at the hostel and went to the polynesian spa. It was unbelievably refreshing, hot water mineral baths, loads of French and Japanese but amazing views and I managed to chill out nicely.

After that refreshment we bought a box of wine and went back to the hostel to get squiff on the cheap before heading out to see what the night could bring. We shared our room with an Aussie Army tracker who had some amazing views on left wing backpackers but had a genuinely cool job learning how to hunt and track animals or people in the bush. After getting considerably intoxicated we went to Lava lounge round the corner for more refreshment but the atmosphere was dead so I returned to the hostel. In short I was El Bollocko, ARP serviced and I behaved as badly as I can when Mr Hyde had taken his wonderful elixir. I woke in a highly groggy state and quickly packed up before continuing my Hydesque tendencies on the bus before passing out. I got back to the North Shore and passed out for four hours before a much needed roast dinner with the family, including Katie, Toni and Jasper.

My only concern now was whether or not to fork out a mere $100 to see Wales versus Australia in the 3/4th place play off, I really want to but thats a lot of beer money. I have the promise of champagne from Shevaun if Wales win....and probably anyway if not because in short I have the moves like Jagger (*disclaimer - I am full of shit). So while I was deliberating I got an email from my former employers saying the project that I basically came up with the base idea has received funding and now has a position available paying well FML. My Hawkes Bay trip also got cancelled as my boy Ben was ill, I went shopping and then had sushi before Chardonnay in the sun.

I then received the call granting me a ticket, it was a good day, Gaddafi was dead and I had a Bronze Final ticket. I sat back down to finish off my wine in the hot Auckland sun. I went to the game and we lost, it didn't seem like their hearts were in it.

I went off to a party in Mt Eden and crashed there, was good, plenty of champagne and cider...was most intoxicated!

The next day I left Mt Eden and was supposed to meet my hosts but as there was no response I got in touch with Deano for some shenanigans. We went to the Queens Wharf fan zone and had a beer before trying the kicking game (slotting one this time) and the Heineken drink driving game (I crashed whilst trying to drink whilst driving). We then went off to get cheap beer at a Japanese off license and messed with the guy until he asked us to leave. As Auckland has a liquor ban we couldn't drink on the street so we decided to try and drink in a hostel, fortunately we were next to Nomads hostel so went in and as we weren't guests we sat on the stairs at the top and boozed. A member of staff walked past while in mid chug and we thought we were busted but the lovely Dutch girl covered her eyes and told us she hadn't seen anything, nice one! After the drink we went looking for Leanne, Deanos mate from Kiwi experience, while we were looking Deano spotted this stunning blonde and casually went over and insisted he had met her on the Kiwi experience, she said he couldn't because he had just got off a cruise (her bags had P&O all over them) but he still pushed that she had been on the bus, very funny! We got chatting so we decided that this may be a good meet and greet until Deano tried it on this stunning brunette and scared the poor rabbit away.

We met Leanne and had some more drinks before meeting Deanos other mates, drink was free flowing by now so I dont remember everything but Deano used the gang rape joke while trying to chat up a girl, while my line was 'you have alot of teeth, and a jokerish smile' smooth I know. We met some girls who worked in pharmasuticals, one in botox and during the binge we somehow managed to form a botox for bollocks campaign, don't as me how! I also started telling people I was an underwear model and even managed to convince Deano, but still got the amazing phrase 'no chance in my pants but I like your company' from Leanne. After that bar we went to 1885 an upmarket bar and as it was the night before the final it was rammed out, it was good for a while but I was way too drunk by then. Deano and I went outside, found a police bollard and scrummed down with it, needless to say  we went straight to ground and I hit the floor hard and stayed down until the police showed up. We moved the bollard back and they told us to behave and we asked them to scrummage, they said they would like to but were on duty so couldn't. I said goodbye to Deano and crashed back at Mt Eden again.

I woke feeling rough and got the bus up the North Shore where I wallowed in my own crapulance until the world cup final. Town was already rammed when I left so I decided as there was no way to get back from down town Auckland and as I hadn't changed and was feeling rough faux home was better than staying out. It wasn't the best final but the better team won and hopefully we won't have the twenty-four years of hurt comments any more. Key memorable moments of the final didn't happen during the game, an interviewer called Thierry Dusautoir, Thierry Henry, Richie McCaw saying 'I'm totally shagged' in his post match interview and the embarrassing England 2015 promo. My issue is if Wales made that final I think we would have had a very good shot at winning it. So after seeing 46 out of 48 games, attending 9 the world cup was over and I fell into a great nights sleep.

The next day after Nick calling me a 'little shit' several times, his term of affection, we looked online and found out that Marco Simoncelli of super bike had died, just days after Dan Wheldon died in F1 in Vegas, not a great week for motor sport. I FB chat conferenced with Pen and Stones to organise our New Zealand travels and then got a call from Mugsy offering me work on his dairy farm in Whangarei and then a place to stay over the weekend while he was in Australia including use of a car and hot tub.

We got up at 5am to drive up to the farm, which is the earliest I have gotten up for anything since Cape Cod, what feels like years ago. On the way up Mugsy was pulled over for speeding, we unfortunately were caught during a police sting after the holiday the previous day. To Mugsys suprise he actually had a suspended license as he hadn't reapplied when his previous suspension was over, meaning I had to drive to the farm and I managed to annoy Mugsy by not speeding for fear of a fine that I don't have the means to pay, turned into good banter though. When we got to the farm we milked the cows and then walked the vast expanse of the farm trying to fix fences.

At lunch we got Mugsy his license back and went for a cheeky pint or three before returning to the farm for afternoon milking. I had the unpleasant experience of witnessing Mugsy deliver afterbirth, which although the medical side of it didn't bother me, the smell was outrageously overpowering. Mugsy isn't happy with his helper up there who appears to be lazy, deceitful and actually works against the process, things and livestock go missing and things that are on the to do list don't get done and get forgotten about, I don't know a lot about farms but even I could see this.I got to ride the ATV/Quadbike and got a bollocking off Mugsy as in my attempt to not get told off for driving too fast I drove too slow and off the path.  We stayed with a lovely Maori family in Whangerei and had take away for dinner, with plenty of beer.

We woke again farmer early and heading across misty Whangerei in the pre-sun cold to the farm, where a message from the night before had sunk in. A pipeline had burst in Maui in Taranaki meaning that all milk processing had to be cancelled meaning millions of litres of milk had to be poured away, including all our hard work from the day before. I helped Mugsy jump start a tractor down a hill by scrummaging with it. We then ran tractor errands and did the morning milk (which due to the failure to mend the gas main was poured out again). We also had to put three calfs out of their misery as 'they gave up on life.' I was offered to kill one and as it was a farm I would have if it had been a knife or gun but it was a blunt object to the head, and I didn't fancy doing any bludgeoning that day. We fed the calfs and I had to catch a stray cow that got out of the yard and in between wearing me out in the chase managed to electrocute me as well. We put a calf in the boot for a lady in Waipu to raise and we came back to Auckland. I cooked Nick and Joy a ridiculously hot curry as a thank you and moved my stuff to mugsys to house sit and feed the cats while he was in Australia.

I woke early again to give Mugsy a lift to the airport but he informed me that he was parking at the airport, so I got up for no reason. I gave Deano a lift to the airport and settled in for an evening of Halloween prep tv.

Just going to house sit and enjoy some tv and the hot tub until the boys turn up over the weekend and our party starts for Halloween and rolls into our road trip.

Thats rugby....thats all it is.

So I had to seduce myself to sleep with my friend Mr Alcohol as I honestly think the anticipation would keep me awake all night. I had a long lie in, in preparation for a late night, kick off being at 9pm. I spent the morning bantering with friends around the world whilst drinking plenty of tea. When asked what my plans were I replied 'drink tea until a time where it becomes redundunt and move onto something stronger'.
I had a hearty lunch that turned to disaster, I had a bowl of chili and a pizza however I was particularly tired when I went down and got the wrong change so ended up paying $20 for some shitty $3 pizza, and the receipt and balance worked out so no refund. Ah well, I was well fed. Around 3.30pm I headed to Auckland city, at the bus stop there were loads of Kiwis in Wales replica shirts or wearing daffodils, a very moving sign of support from the host nation. I got into town and the train out to Remeura to be picked up by mugsy. We picked up his daughter Tanyka, from the airport, fresh from her 21st and finishing Uni in Dunedin! It was quite hilarious watching Mugsys road rage as we were running a little late and Mugsdy lost it with a Learner in the fast lane, I had to bite my lip to stop from shrieking with laughter. We made it over to Kingsland for a pre match drink and I found out Mugsy and his wife Tena had given up their tickets so I could go, I was dumbstruck by their generosity but was preparing not to accept this offer when Dave said he had bought them tickets as a surprise thank you for letting him stay with them.

I ended up sitting with Tanyka behind the posts which turned out to be pretty reasonable seats. The only problem was no cover and we had a huge downpour just before kick off soaking us to the bone. 

The game was obviously marred by the dubious sending off of Sam Warburton our Captain, and will forever go down as one of those what could have been moments. With fourteen men Wales rallied and played out of their skins but missed vital kicks and had a terrible time at the line out, France had no response and played a boring negative kicking game. Unfortunately the referee didn't see the number of penalty infringements in the build up to the end of the game and we just didn't have it in us to cross the whitewash again. We dropped out of the World Cup 9-8. I feel bad for players like Shane Williams who was truly gutted and will  now never get another chance. I guess that's rugby, that's all it is.


Leaving the stadium I managed to get on the new Zealand Herald fan section, shouting 'they didn't deserve it!' and I still maintain they didn't. It's approximately 1 min 6 secs in(below).


http://www.nzherald.co.nz/rugby-world-cup/news/video.cfm?c_id=1503158&gal_cid=1503158&gallery_id=122183



After the match we went back to Clares, an Irish bar to drown our sorrows and I met a nice kiwi family from Irish descent and had a few beers with them and exchanged numbers with one of them with the promise of a tour of Auckland. We had an interesting trip back to mugsys via Wendys where Dave got out of the car in the drive through and asked stupid questions to the bemused late shift staff. We got back and I watched the end of 'Diamonds are Forever, and feeling uncomfortably numb I went to sleep and subsequently dreamt of Jill St.John the Bond girl from that film.

I woke feeling particularly optimistic, I had taken stock and the sun still rose and the birds still sung, not the end of the world but still felt as if our opportunity had been taken from us. Although I felt a weight has been lifted and the anticipation and anxiety no longer keeping me on edge I was able to sleep comfortably for the first time in weeks. I made my way back to the North Shore and settled in for a quiet night watching the All Blacks secure a final spot over the Aussies.