Fiji Time, Time flies when you're having rum!

Air Pacific kicked off well with a well trained, clean cut and booze conscious staff. The in flight magazine was all about the Rugby World Cup and beating Wales in 2007 and can they do it again. I slept well on the plane which is unusually and kind of fortunate given that the only film I wanted to see, Thor, was a channel that had been damaged on my console and came with blurred picture and in and out sound. After arriving it was five minutes before the world cup banter began with the locals. I watched the sunrise at a bus shelter whilst chatting to the locals until the familiar whiney twang of an American accent materialized with some comrades divulging unrequited philosophy with a very George W Bush optimistic approach in the usual loud and kras manner and never shutting up. I took the bus to the dock and got my catamaran at 8.30am and set off past the stunning Mamanuca island groups and deep into the Yassawa's. At 10.30am I had my first beer and by 12.30pm we had arrived at Nebua Lodge where I would be staying for the next two nights. I toured the beach with two guys from my dorm Chris and Paramedic Steve, luckily of the British variety, and followed it with a swim in the bay. It sounds a little gay but at that time we weren't aware of a large number of available females at our lodgings, this would soon change. We played volleyball with the locals which was our first taste of their aggressively competitive nature, but was all in good spirits, then we got into good spirits, namely the bottle of Jack I had bought in LAX. The sunset at Nebua was highly rated so we set off up the hill and watched a big ball of fire crash behind the ocean as eloquently and as spectacularly as ever.

 The other view was back down to the resort and reminded several of us of the others camp at lost (which almost every resort looked at from height reminded us of). The dinner was a three course extravaganza of soup, fish then fruit, simple but very good. It was also an excellent opportunity to meet people but instead of meaningful encounters I was in the mood to wind people up. This was followed with a dance off and the winner was drawn by cards from the top 2. I managed to win and then got talking to some lovely English and German girls (I didn’t mention the war), but my heart wasn’t in it so I took a stroll down the beach, albeit a bit drunk, and enjoyed the ability to see a true starry night until jet lag indicated it was bed time.



I awoke early to the sound of waves crashing on the shore, which was a very welcome and gentle alarm clock. I familiarized myself with my surroundings as it was the first time I had slept in a mosquito net and went for a walk along the beach before reading in a hammock. After breakfast I went on a cave diving trip. It was really exciting, you have to dive down about 2m (freedive) and then swim about 5m blind into a pitch black cave only lit from the hole you just swam through. Then the wonder continued as the room expanded into the darkness into many different little caverns.

Getting out was much easier with the outside light guiding the way. A few of us then decided to go cliff jumping in the inner caverns and jumped off some cool rock formations into some pretty deep water (at least 10m). After a wet boat ride back we had lunch and learnt that even if you tell a couple they’re an attractive pair, asking if they swing may get you punched, who knew. I took a snorkel around the bay at Nabua and after stepping on my 500^th piece of submerged coral I started to wonder why everyone is trying to save it. It’s so brittle it it’s practically suicidal and when you step on it it breaks off in tiny pieces yearning to be free from the ocean with ambitions of striking it big on Fiji’s got talent only to end up in a Abba Cover band where Björn Ulvaeus is played by an aging Samoan. A few of went to Blue Lagoon, the same one from the Brook Shields movie (I didn’t know either), for the afternoon to see a truly magnificent coral reef, which is also where my underwater camera packed in robbing me of Fiji photos. The reef was stunning and rivalled anything I have seen in the Caribean. I also had the opportunity to see a sea snake amongst the coral.

When we were done a few people who I had met the night before sat around eating coconut from the shell while Ashley tried to catch fish with his hands, Deano tried to make a shell bikini for later, Amy and Tash did those long posing photos for profile pics, while Chris and Paramedic Steve played with a disgusting sea slug.  When we got back to Nebua we had another fiercely contested game of volleyball and chilled in the dipping sun with a few beers. The dress code for the night was bikinis so we rustled some up from the girls and I got a palm leaf and created a peacock’s tail, I don’t really know why but it was very funny.

We had a lovely Fijian curry, mild and fruity, and had another dance off, I came third but still got the prize, Winning! We then had a bikini modelling contest and with my excellent peacock impression I wowed the judges and got joint first, bring on more free booze, and Winning! I then tried to become the phoenix by lighting my tail but even after Fijian rum, toilet paper, and deodorant flame thrower the wind proved too powerful and I would not burn. I moved on to drinking games with Chris, Ash,, Tash, Amy, Fijian Joe and Deano. Unfortunately during ring of fire I got the hobbit card and spent over an hour sitting under the table being kicked. We called it a night after loads more booze and games and the girls crashed in our bunk for lack of mosquito nets in there’s. Ash played the summons drums on the way back to the bunk at 2am and a Dutch couple actually got up from breakfast, they weren’t happy in the morning. I tried to put my PJ’s on and stacked it so epically I ended up in a bed 3 bunks down with a gash straight up my shin. I passed out as soon as I refound my bed.

I woke with a buzz and had breakfast with Mike and Jess, a very sweet Aussie couple, but had to hair of the dog or the day would not be pleasant. After hearing the fallout of our loud drinking games late into the night I packed up for our next destination and chilled on the decking for my boat. I had a chat with one of the staff (amongst my other hangover chats annoying the other guests) and asked how she liked living and working in paradise. She said to you this is paradise but I am from the mainland where you don’t see mountains or water all day long, paradise for me is with my family and friends. I thought this was a very interesting perspective, subtle but heartfelt. I helped prep the fire for a Lovu, which is the same as hangi where they cook the food in a pit. The Fijian prepping the fire offered to buy a Wales shirt off me but anyone who wants to support Wales is welcome to it and gave him my 2007 world cup shirt. We caught our boat and said some goodbyes, Deano and I hit the bar and had some good squaddie/rugby banter. We saw some people on the ferry from earlier nights including that gorgeous German girl but it looked like she had shacked up with this English guy (a guy I thought was a nob on the first night). I turned to Deano and told him in no uncertain terms how interested I was in her, her best features and how it looked like she’d been coupling with that douche English guy, but obviously in less romantic words. Deano’s face melted away and he didn’t respond, allowing me to ask if they were behind me, they were. I said my goodbyes to Deano at our stop and once again got onto the dangerously overloaded shuttle boat heading for the shoreline at Korovu. I kicked off proceedings at Korovu by stripping to my underwear and jumping into their fresh water pool. I explored the beach and then played volleyball with some Norwegians and Danes, followed by tossing the rugby ball around with the locals, who, no matter their age, seem to have amazing skills and true Fijian flare.

We watched the sun set over the pacific and got ready for dinner. As the tables were smaller Chris and I double dated with Amy and Tash, a role I didn’t take lightly. It was a good laugh involving plenty of booze, dancing and no talking when food was on the table.

After dinner we had another Bulla dance, and dance off and retired to the beach for a fire and a local guitar player banging out some tunes. The Scandinavians didn’t really get involved but there was a really good atmosphere and I got to dance and then cwtch with some lovely girls.

The room was hot but surprisingly not too noisy for a thirty-two man dorm. I got a few reasonable hours then found a hammock at first light to chill and write in until breakfast. I enjoyed a quiet breakfast with the early risers, which included the first banana I have eaten since I was six, paid my enormous bar tab (again) and returned to the hammock to ponder life. After a little pondering the heaven’s opened and we had a heavy tropical shower. We were invited to a church service and intrigued I went along for the spectacle, to pay lip service. However due to my dehydration half way through the service I lost my concentration and figured out how I was going to win next year’s apprentice. Going to church seemed to work as the rain had stopped when we emerged leaving us in paradise once more. We lunched and sunbathed and bought outrageously priced bottle water and crisps. I found another hammock and dozed in the shade for our delayed boat to arrive and take us to Waya Leilei. The ferry trip from any island is a good experience, meeting friends that you met a few days before and catching up before departing again, today we caught up with Ashley, saw dolphins in Manta ray bay and found some large pacific rolling waves to keep us entertained all the way to our destination. When we disembarked in rough waters, once again overloading the now seat less boat for transport to the resort. We arrived just after sunset and Ashley decided to get on it and after a good dinner of sweet and sour fish and a chat with Karen, who was there with her son Harry and the Dutch couple Dennis and Natasha I joined him. I managed to lose three out of five drinking games consisting of riding the bus twice and being the hobbit for another stretch which saw get kicked in the face and bollocks.

In the meantime Rachel, a scouser travelling with her Irish friend Leanne, thought she saw a manta ray in the shallows on the beach, I went into the water to investigate only to discover it was a rock. We also met two springboks, Nick and Cazz from Jo’burg, Nick got so drunk during drinking games that he got lost in the dark and broke into a different hut to the one his girlfriend was in and because it was dark in there he couldn’t get out. Even funnier it turned out to be the locals hut. I stole the only lantern from our table and retired to bed. I was on the top bunk and because they were taller than me I struggled to get in and actually flipped the bunk over, much to the distress of the English girl on the bottom bunk. I found out the next morning Ashley had come into the Dorm after I had passed out looking for me, and addressed the room looking for the hobbit and when someone stirred he shouted ‘get used to it, it’s dorm life’. I love travelling with these guys.



Somehow I made it to breakfast, apologised to for flipping the bunk to a group of Irish girls I thought had effected only for the snobs to tell me not apologise that they were too good to be caught dead in the dorms. I went on the 8.30am snorkel trip to the reef and saw loads of white tip reef sharks, spectacular coral and tropical fish. The guide speared some fish and brought the sharks to the surface where we got to touch them. As I was chatting to Chris in the shallows I felt something on my leg, looked down and a shark had just gone between my legs. There was no fear, just sheer awe of these stunning creatures. When I got back I took refuge from the hot sun with Rachel and Leanne till lunch and then lay in a hammock with Amy until afternoon activity, island swimming. A boat dropped us off at the opposite island and we had to swim back, something that I got really pumped about. A bunch of rogue swimmer set off on the 1.5km swim and we had only just crossed over the other islands coral reef when I spotted a manta ray. I then decided to make good time and powered on, only slowing to check my bearings (which hilariously was normally sideways). I arrived back in around 30 minutes followed shortly by Harry, and Karen bought us cake at tea time to celebrate the crossing. I could have done the summit walk but chose to seek the comfort of the hammocks, but after being eaten by mosquitoes I joined the volleyball match on the beach. After a reasonable game I showered off but forgetting my towel and not wanting to put on wet sandy bathers again i pulled down the shower curtain and marched to my room. I mulled around chatting and jumping out of bushes to scare people before dinner but then had a really good chat about life and past loves, and the future with Leanne and then headed to dinner. Unfortunately an overzealous kiwi heard saffer Nick and I discussing the Wales vs SA game we were both attending and possible winners and all this woman could say is all blacks. Later when we discussing the state of South Africa rugby all she could say was all black, it was imposing and unwelcome that we had to move on quickly to escape her. It started to rain so we ate inside and chatted to the usual group and some Danish girls on a holiday from their semester abroad in Sydney. The rain passed and I returned to my bunk to switch to a single, great choice. I returned in time for the Bulla dance and partner games that although I was apprehensive about at dinner turned out to be a good laugh. I met some new people, including the gorgeous Amy from Brighton and had some beers before joinging a Kava ceremony.

You sit in a circle drinking what looks like muddy puddle in a ritual. It makes your mouth go numb and gives you a similar buzz to narcotics, or so I’m told. After this I slept very well.



I woke just before 5.30am and joining Chris, Dennis and Amy woke our guide and set off on the sunrise summit walk, which was hard and sweaty work. The view was stunning and after an initial cloud obstructed view the morning sun burst through and left us in silent wonder. I walked back with our guide who talked about the ‘poofda’s’ staying at the resort and how odd their behaviour last night was. It was basically normal behaviour for a couple but these guys loved electric colours and stand out clothes, which was extremely foreign to the Fijians. The guide went on to tell me if Fijian was found to be acting ‘queer’ he would be taken before the elders and probably beaten in public. I grabbed a quick shower and hit breakfast and discussed the previous night’s antics with my hiking group plus Tasha. After breakfast I found a hammock until check out and just has a think about how amazing Fiji was with its year round good weather, friendly people, beautiful resorts and endless epic activities. I feel it’s appeal to be strong enough for me to hopefully return one day. Once again this heightened by the timelessness of these beautiful islands that are enjoyable regardless of ages, financial situation, relationship status or reason to visit......as long as you are not a 'poofda', however our new electric colour friends took solace in destroying the Fijians at beach volleyball. I exchanged my hill hammock for a beach one and unfortunately fell asleep burning my thighs to shit (you will see later how this came back to bite me).  At lunch Harry started receiving some unwanted attention from the big gay Russian, starting in the form of long stares and winks but Harry as an eighteen year old fresh out of school with a girlfriend at home was properly mortified, not aided by the Russian chatting to Harry’s mum to tell her how gorgeous her son was. I bought a bracelet from the village and returned to my Hammock to read Slash’s autobiography. The wind picked up hindering another attempt at doing the Island swim, and it also started to chill off and become overcast, leaving several people fearful of the choppy water for the shuttle to the ferry. We ended up walking to the other side of the island to catch the shuttle and it was a lot less choppy for the main part of the exchange. The ferry ride however was epic, we ended up with one of the smaller white ferries and all parked it on the top deck thinking we were going to be safe and dry, how wrong we were.  I started proceedings by stacking it onto four people in the high swell, then came the waves soaking us all clean through and stinging as the bounced off the captain’s cabin, it was epic and a really good laugh. We arrived at beachcomber, the first low lying island, that takes fifteen minutes to walk around and stands at an impressive two metres above sea level. We formed a drinking circle with Deano (you’re my boy blue), Ashley, Nick and Caz, Mike and Jess, a Danish guy I invited, a stupid Aussie, a naughty looking German chick and I’m sure Chris, Amy and Tash were there. Dinner was adequate but filling and we followed with more drinking games that due to Happy Hour dissipated quickly into dancing and more shenanigans. There was a limbo contest and as i was wearing tight shorts I couldn’t stretch out to my proper limboing positions, so I stripped to my y-fronts, and until I had a moment of clarity almost let the staff encourage me to go all the way. Needless to say I showed off my severely burnt thighs but I won the men’s competition and actually beat the best girl as well.

Theres winning and then there is inning!

Deano showed his sleeping disorder where basically he would play possum until a girl came and spoke to him, surprisingly effective. We also had a several pile ons, one resulting on multiple injuries to Amy, for which Deano got a bollocking in the morning.

After this, Ashley and I decided to dick around with the flood light until some large looking Fijians started congregating and plotting our demise. Later Deano and I jumped off the roof, and got told off, then tried to climb back on the roof and got told off. I say got told off lightly as Deano was pulled off the roof by his bollocks and I was whipped on my calf by a microphone cable. Deano and the scandos then tried to retrieve coconuts from the tree and instead of them getting in trouble I got pulled aside and warned about our behaviour, as Deano would say, I’m always caught.

Another Fijian told me that he would pull my ears off, oh Fijians. I would feel threatened but this one was a scrawny teen trying to reach warrior proportion, I just laughed it off and told Deano, who by this stage was alcohol critical and had decided to mate with the only person there less coherent than him. I got my dance on then joined Tash, Harry and Ashley hunting Deano and this girl down to wind them up, classy Deano had tried the boiler room and other terrible destinations to take a girl until he ditched us all together. I gave into the liquor and completely crashed out.

I got up for breakfast and watched the 2003 World Cup Final on the big screen and also some of the Euro qualifiers that were going on before having a long chat with Deano about the shenanigans of the night before. Deano, who could not get up for morning wood reasons informed me of all I missed, which didn’t turn out to be that much but everyone had had an epic night, for our last one on the islands. After talking to Deano I looked at my watch and realised I hadn’t packed and my boat was in five minutes so I bailed quickly and made the boat as they were on Fiji time. We had booked a day aboard the Seaspray yacht which took us to Castaway Island, from the Tom Hanks movie. Harry baited Chris about his and Amy’s disappearance resulting in several unconvincing stories, and then Harry decided it was his day for banter and gave Chris a lot of pay back for the gay Russian jokes. We all got soaked by a rogue wave, really setting the tone for the day as cold, big swell, and windy. We arrived at Castaway Island and were offered to swim to shore so I dived off the front of the yacht, I immediately regretted my decision, the water was freezing and I basically sprinted my way to shore. I did a quick tour of the coral and of the Island before passing out on the beach, having a week of sleep catch up with me. The rest of the day consisted of an excellent BBq lunch and me sleeping or being cold, or both. As we arrived I had a beer and livened up before getting the ferry back to the mainland, saying goodbye to Chris, Karen and Harry at beachcomber and Dennis, Natasha, Mike and Jess on the mainland. We headed to Smugglers Cove for half a night’s sleep before flying out to New Zealand and met Tash and Amy there, who informed us Ashley and Deano had come back for one last night with us, so much for an early one. Dinner took ages to come and was so-so but unfortunately due to the wait we missed the fire dancing and knife show. I roomed with Paramedic Steve as we were catching the same flight in the morning, it was a very attractive room, albeit the gigantic cockroaches in the bathroom. I had a few beers with Deano and the girls before calling it a night. Sleep was non-existent as I had a reaction that can only be described as similar to contact dermatitis where my hands swelled up and blistered, not pleasant, but with the help of paramedic Steve I subdued them before any real incident.

I woke in pain to the reaction on my hands but made the airport with Tash, Amy and paramedic Steve, wrote some postcards and waited to board. Our Fiji adventure was over, now for the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand.