A Salty Week in Wellington....again!

I decided instead of much needed rest I would join my boy James Saltzman and his gorgeous girlfriend Layla for a week of carnage in Petone, just outside of Wellington. I left Matamata early and headed up to Auckland for my flight to Wellington. As I have previously mentioned domestic departures at Auckland are about as fun as Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg on valium, so I went for a walk instead of crossing over. I managed to end up in arrivals where there was a lot of commotion going on. I soon saw why, All black stars Sonny Bill Williams, his entourage, and Keven Mealamu had just arrived and were passing through the lobby. Sonny Bill is a tall, surprisingly lean and unsurprisingly self centred and miserable bastard. I smiled and said hello and without breaking stride he gave me the briefest look and the slightest of nods acknowledging my existence, bollocks to asking for a photo, he may have stabbed me. Salty picked me up at the airport and to the Firemans Inn in Petone for dinner. We moved onto Petone rugby club for the Tonga vs Japan where they had turned the indoor training centre into a World Cup room with a 7m by 4m screen. We met Layla and discussed current affairs and who to throw in front of the ‘Gilltrain’. I crashed at James’ friend Bex’s place and we had an awesome chat about music and a refreshing chat about the All Blacks before I retired to the sofa for sleep.

I woke early when Bex’s mate Avannah arrived and I dozed for about an hour until the girls disappeared to purchase breakfast materials. I was pleasantly surprised by the amazing kiwi hospitality when the girls returned and cooked me a full fry up as a welcome which set me up so well for the day. Bex also managed to get me a ticket for Australia vs USA for $20 which was ace. Salty was having a date day with Layla so after turning down walking the 9km into Wellington from Petone I caught the bus and revisited the Te Papa museum for a much more enjoyable experience before people watching on the harbour. I was filled with a great amount of optimism from a reasonable night’s sleep, a good feed, the opportunity to do anything I wanted in a city that has fast become a personal favourite of mine. From this basis I had a positive consideration about my future, especially my career, a topic that I have grown anxious, frustrated and tired of investing time and energy thinking about in the past. I am finally glad that I still have so many options open to me and I could still really do anything. I then took the cable car up to the botanical gardens and was amazed at how stunning they were and how they just broke through the city with great views.

I returned to Petone and admired the view before vegging on the sofa for the evening.

Friday 23^rd Sept was USA game day. I got up early and enjoyed a beautiful morning in Petone overlooking at Wellington across the bay.

I went to the store and bought some match day beers. On the way back I thought of how stunning this place is but like San Fran lying on a fault line all of this would end. I relaxed in preparation for shenanigans. I caught a great kiwi interview with Alice Cooper where he said that Alice was a character and bringing that act off stage is what killed James Morrison, Janis Joplin and Jimmy Hendrix. And also stress would kill you quicker than drugs, if there is something you can’t control accept it and move on. As the fridge was full I drank the stray beer that didn’t fit and met James at the Firemans Arms (the name changes almost every time because I am normally pissed when I go there and don’t really know what it’s called). We followed that with a trip to Murphys, where Layla works and James had a meeting about a possible future tattoo. I ate outside in the glorious sunshine, enjoyed a few more beers and a great convo with James and Layla before returning to their abode with the promise of wine, Jack Daniels or beer.

The next day I woke up on a sofa in a foreign room and realised a mattress was next to me. I realised I was in Laylas sisters house, where James and Layla were staying and I had visited the previous afternoon before the blur. I then decided to piece together the last 24 hours after the wine, JD and beer from my photos and Saltys testimony, so here is my attempt. We walked from Laylas sisters to Bexs for pre drinks and cider confessions where I found out a couple I knew from Petone had got married on the Romeo and Juliette.

We then hit Murphy’s caped up in our Captain America gear for a very spirited bus ride where I was on my worst behaviour and gave the only Aussie on the bus a hard time.

When we got to the stadium we waited outside for James’ ticket to arrive but as it never came I managed to hitchhike him in. I stood in the pathway up to the stadium shouting we have no money anyone want to give us a ticket for fifteen minutes and eventually someone did. I immediately alienated everyone around us from the Saffer infront I blamed for Wales losing to the huge Aussie supporting Samoan behind us I kept trying to rugby tackle (by this stage we were very intoxicated and also snuck JD in to keep the party rolling). There was also an American family behind the Samoan with so many flags I insisted I had to have one, planted it in the saffers hat and then started ripping on the American for looking like Lyndon B Johnson. I kept myself well watered and thoroughly entertained. Wayne Barnes was running the line and I tried once again to give him some stick.

After the game and outside the ground an over enthused USA fan tried to give me an overzealous American hug and accidently smacked me in the mouth. I woke with a sore tongue and remember spitting quite a lot of blood at the time. Shortly after when the booze really dug in I went quiet as I do when I get to that stage, James noticed and literally forced two large red bulls down my throat. We went boozing with Saltys mate LT and hit a brief pub crawl ending at Molly Malone where somehow I didn’t get arrested, beaten up or ejected by the big Maori bouncer for repeatedly trying to high jump the smokers fence from the inside out......he truly did not care for this. I caught a bus back to Petone with James but in our boozey situation we thought we had missed our stop and ended up in Eastbourne, a not so nice burb. When we finally realised we were where we needed to be we went back to Murphys where Layla was working.

Apparently after last orders we continued to beg for booze and watch a guy who was completely tripping on e. Unfortunately I got locked out of Bex’s house and scaled the fence to try the backdoor but lost my balance and stacked it. I then found the garden door unlocked so my pain was completely unnecessary, the backdoor was locked so I called James and Layla came and collected me. I met Laylas mum completely bollocksed and told her several times what great daughters she has before passing out. After piecing the day together we went for breakfast (although it was 1pm) in lower hut and I spent the rest of the afternoon incapacitated on Bex’s sofa. Hung-over I started thinking and ‘secret smile’ by semisonic got stuck in my head. It made me think of the little things that you share with people, a secret smile, a look, a phrase etc. I immediately thought how unique these moments are and how special and almost intimate they can be, whether it’s one off or long term these are the moments that make relationships and friendships. It made me think of a few of my favourite ‘secret smiles’ a cheeky look by my ex Fran, a smile from a family member, Arp and the story behind it with Mr Alcock and the boys, and of course ‘where are my keys’ ‘who’s in the Jacuzzi?’ ’why is the kettle on?’ I met James at the Firemans before cidering up and watching the All Blacks beat France and Petone rugby club. We followed this by hitting our friend Pips party for her sons first birthday at Murphys which was fuelled addled.

It was excellent as almost everyone I had met from my visit two years before was there and we had a good catch up. The piss flowed and the banter was great. I returned back to Bex’s (I had imperialistically been calling it mine) and caught Thunderball, before falling into the most wonderful sleep only to be woken peacefully by the rain.

The clocks went forward so I woke in early afternoon. I watched Home and Away followed by Knightrider fill out the thinnest and flimsiest of plots with ‘feel good’ themes. Today was always going to be a quiet one all about rugby. After my reaction a few weeks ago my hands were a mess with the skin coming off and hands being uber sensitive....not pleasant at all. I grabbed lunch at Murphys and Layla properly took care of me with her discount and a few cheeky add ons I hadn’t ordered but really appreciated, they’re both good people. It was a nice lunch, after which James and Layla wanted some couple time, which was fair enough as James was leaving in a few days.  I caught Samoa vs Fiji at the rugby club and Ireland vs Russia at the Firemans. I met James later at Murphys and watched Scotland show why they are now probably the weakest team in the six nations as they have all but bowed out of the cup to Argentina. I returned back to Bex’s and watched Alexander and The Reaping proving to be two quite poor films trying way too hard with a weak story and focusing more on storytelling method ending with high budget films being rubbish indie films. I then bailed on consciousness.

After a cold, poor night’s sleep I set off in the beautiful sunshine on Petone’s shoreline to run some errands. After a lackluster internet trip to the library I returned to Bex’s, gave her a bottle of wine as a thank you for my keep. James and Layla returned for James to get a Maori calf tattoo done. It was a long arduous task but came out looking awesome. As the work was being done the rest of us drank and watched on and had some very interesting conversations. Layla baited James by saying she wouldn’t take his surname. James, in pain, stayed quiet so Layla and I discussed possible investments before she told me the longest and most honest relationship she had ever had was with......gin! Layla continued to bait James by suggesting they should get a cat, baby or donkey and suggesting James’ pain was nothing like Eminems. In discussion Dan, the tattoo artist, said last week he tattooed some guys wang with welcome aboard....painful but hilarious. When we were done we had dinner at Murphy’s, an excellent lamb shank, and I watched Wales trash Namibia.

I struggled to sleep again so I got up early, packed and waited for my ride to the airport.

On the way I had to ask the occupation of my landlord as I couldn’t put my finger on it. Let’s just say we came to the conclusion it was quite erocative (made this word up, if you want to know what it means contact me). I said my farewells to James and Layla and settled into my day of travel to end my mini adventure. I want to rant about the bitch who stole my specifically selected seat on the flight but words would be wasted....but she was a bitch bitch bitch. I visited the fanzone in Auckland had a couple of beers at the hot tub bar I had stripped off in a few weeks before.

I asked for an offer that wasn’t on and they guy said are you from Auckland, I said no so he said what offer do you want, so I named it. When I got on the bus to get down to Matamata someone was looking out for me as I got a seat that had a great view of this gorgeous Blonde German girl and her low cut top via the drivers rear view mirror. On the ride back a Porsche tried to overtake on a bend at about 120kmph and spun out into oncoming traffic missing a head on collision by maybe two feet, exciting and terrifying at the same time. I got back in late and was collected by Neil and had the greatest comfort of all, roast dinner. Although I missed out on seeing hazel or spending much time in Wellington due to my insufficient funds it proved to be a great mini adventure.